Someday, I will finally decide to get to the root of what I really want. Until then, this roller coaster will thrill me sometimes and terrify me others. I’ve written here lately about the real, unfiltered and raw feelings of a life that anyone may be living out there. I have heard mixed feedback from these posts lately as well. Today, it’s just one more truth, spelled out for you, for me, here we go.

So lately, after posting a blog, I see a few comments show up online. I receive a few private messages. I hear reaction to what I’ve written. I hear someone thanking me for putting things into words, that they feel also in their own hearts. Sometimes it’s good and uplifting and encouraging. Sometimes, they too feel the junk and darkness and are just glad they’re not alone in it. Sometimes, I am scolded or ‘invited’ to see the world in another way, than what I had just spent an hour and lots of deep internal digging to write about.

Also lately, I was offered help, a hand outstretched to assist me up and out of a junky mood. I have also sought help, and partnered up in conversation with an expert, so that I may uncloud my mind and expand into freedom and possibility again.

BUT, there is a problem with all this. Yes, a big one. See the direction of the focus of all of these things is outward. It has to do with others. It has to do with opinions out there. Concerns or Answers or Considerations or Questions that lie outside of me, and held by other individuals. Coming from a place of personal internal lack, looking to find a clue out there, I am coming up short.

Everyone in my little world, who is loving and helping and engaging in this blog conversation, or in a real one, can try their heart out, and it can only go so far. I am speaking about the awareness that I must myself, land in a place of knowing, that can’t be provided from anyone or anything, out there. Until I want to really make some decisions, and let go of old fears, I will stay in uncertainty. I can dance back and forth and forth and back, as you see unfolding here in these words. I can be up one week, down the next. I will stay here in limbo, until I choose otherwise.

No one can change that but me. No one can encourage me up into a new level, or drag me down any lower, without my permission. I can look for answers everywhere and in anyone, but until I discover that I must myself make a real choice, I will feel sufferings.

As pointed out by a pro, sufferings and struggles and walls built up, can be my own personal bodyguard secret service crew. A mechanism designed to protect me and keep me aware to avoid places I really don’t want to return to, or to ever visit in the first place. A healthy regard for self, could show up, in a healthy fear of dangerous situations. Even if that fear causes discomfort, it can keep us ‘safer’.

As I reach out, as I type out, my thoughts and emotions in the moment, I see on ‘paper’ the running script in this very moment. I may want that script to have a new tone. I may want it to sound like something it did before. I may want it to take the characters to a whole new set of adventures and hijinks, opening a brand new chapter. I may want to see action rising and Act II begin right now. Or maybe resolution is in order, and we need to transition again to tie up many loose ends.

Not one of these decisions can be truly made by anyone but me. As I discuss and ponder and push and test and question, I discover I am just as lost as always. I am no closer than when I started. The destination in fact is an illusion. I am exercising my will, to expand and connect and ask someone else what they think my life could look like. I ask or type out this query of my heart. I look outward with palms up, sometimes to the sky, for solutions.

When I really decide that God has placed wisdom in my heart, I will find it. When I notice that I am okay, right now, right here, right where I am at, in my questions and my concerns and my triumphs and tragedies, I will see the glory of his creation in me. When I can come to terms with the wholeness of this existence, and let go of the belief I am missing something, or ‘not there yet’, I will find some peace for a moment. And as I type this, I see that I still find myself talking about this event to come in some far off future.

You are here with me again this week. Why, I don’t know. I am thankful however for your presence. I am thankful that you chose to stop by and read this thing that comes out of my heart. I am unsure of why it happens, and why I sit, once a week, in agony trying to think of what to write, but eventually it comes. It just is, as it is supposed to be. Or even better, it is, as I am choosing it to be, right now, one more time, as I have before, and may again. Or may not again. Unless I choose it to be.

This week, my letters are in code somewhat. I could be more specific. I could tell you who I talked to. Who’s advice I sought out. Who responded to my words. I could be quite detailed in what popped out of these important conversations. Ultimately though, the kernel of my takeaway is this. I am loved, I am thankful. I am responsible for what is. I can’t put that responsibility on someone else. They can’t decide for me, they won’t present me with a magic gift that fixes it all. I must see that I have my own gift in my heart right now. I am enough, all is well and life loves me.

God is enough, All is well in God’s Creation, God Loves me.

Happy Thanksgiving Y’all 🙂

Sincerely,

Aaron Nichols

Ahh… the real relief, can sometimes come, not from getting the thing(s) we want, not from finally arriving at a new destination, and definitely not from becoming someone else than we already are… sometimes deep peace and calming relief comes from a ceasing. The suspense of the self-mutilation-solitaire-game which is both painful to win and agonizing to lose.

This relief came in the last few days to my little world. I’m thankful.

Last week, those of you who were here, remember that the crashes and pounding waves of emotional turbulence had me caught in an undertow. I was drowning in thoughts and feelings and unnerving pangs of anxiety over nothing and everything all at once… And, as is my custom, I wrote about it here. I used YOU, yes YOU, the reader, a real, live person, to dump my junk in front of. You’re welcome.

This blog in it’s entirety has become my cheap version of therapy. I vent and unload and become aware, through this process of letting my fingers move freely upon the keys. I don’t however think this therapy of blogging is actually making a real difference, or dent in my world, meaning the guts and insides of my world.

As I mentioned last week, I live moments of complete turmoil and moments of ecstatic joy almost in back-to-back blinks of an eye, and sure, I may be mental. Also, there are periods that seem to just be the junk, over and over and over and over and over and over again. The crap I unloaded last week, was so heavy and weighty on my mind, that I even had trouble sleeping and a constantly unsettled attitude as this week began.

Then early one morning, say 4:00ish, I lay in bed, near tears, just stuck in the grime and gunk and hopelessness of a depressional black hole, and I did reach out to Jesus. I did some real praying. The kind that we probably all do, when we really feel lost. I wanted to be saved from it. I wanted to be bailed out. I wanted to not have my mind be my enemy with it’s painful and injurious attacks. It is the kind of prayer that I’m almost ashamed to admit, because it’s so cliche. “Jesus save me please! I’m not worthy, I know it, but please help me if you can! Life sucks right now, I want to lean on you, because I don’t know what else to do!”

Also, the full moon began to pass.

Also, I finally got some sleep.

Also, I maybe cried myself out of gas, finally slowing down and stopping to let things calm down.

I don’t KNOW exactly what happened, but peace did come.

It’s here for now, thank Jesus 🙂

Peaceful physical relaxation, and a message too. The message I got was this: “I’m tired of beating myself up. I’m noticing that my pain comes from my own hand. I can stop this torture anytime. I just did.”

The pain and the grief and the mental gymnastics, did have a grip on me, as stated last week, and now through some divine intervention the grip is less strong. I can see clearer and with so much less judgement. I don’t now feel as if I’m holding the crosshairs of a rifle scope at myself. Watching my own every move to see where I’m wrong and inadequate and ‘not enough’, just itching to pull the trigger…

I am feeling some forgiveness, I guess.

Forgiveness; dang… there is an elixir that I could use a big mug of. I need it for me, I need to express it to the world. I give myself permission to slowly wade into an expression of forgiveness as my life continues naturally forward, but no pressure. The pressure on myself was part of that whole problem.

I don’t want to beat myself up anymore. I don’t want to be my own bully. I can release, I know because I feel it now, even if it’s just for this quick moment and 1:11 a.m. early Friday morning, November 22, 2013.

The results of this peace in the last couple days have been renewed vigor and energy. Refreshed confidence and openness. My voice is back. It’s stronger and clearer in my own mind and in the ‘real’ world at large. My thoughts have turned to new possibilities where possibility hasn’t existed for months and even years.

I feel an urge to connect with people and laugh and have fun again. I want to play. Play in new ways and in old ways. I am being very honest here, that ideas of an old kind of fun, have re-sprouted and are growing. It’s such a new perspective. I won’t hide the fact that it includes alcohol and even maybe a party or two. I can see a life now that can re-emerge from the personal cave I locked myself in for these last several years. I want to be back. I want to drop the anger and resentments and pick up fresh again.

Is the devil the one, here at work in my life? Can the enemy be the one who has relaxed me this deeply? Can the liar and the thief be winning this spiritual battle? Do I dare explore even these new thoughts of old things, where lucifer could be hiding and ready to pounce, embracing me tightly at the first tiny quiver of action? I don’t know.

I do know that when I first took a serious look at sobriety, I had a deep calm about it. I was relaxed into this idea that ‘God can only use me if I’m sober.’ I was at a lost and barren crossroads in my world that I had driven myself into. And in the middle of that dark place, light shone upon the idea of sobriety as way toward the place I would rather be.

Now I’m feeling deep calm again. I am so thankful for it. I do want to enjoy the moment of rest within it. Just like the last time it came, I was getting a message. This message is about return, about restoration, about reclaiming myself and letting go of a bunch of resentments. Forgiveness. Absolution. And taking what I’ve learned, out to the world in a new way, and an old way. A way that can translate to everyone, regular people like me, and like you. Regular-ness being wonderfully acceptable in it’s own right.

So, last time I was presented with a deep message, I took it to a man I trust to get a second opinion about. Once again, it’s time to talk to my Pastor. It’s time to talk to my Coach too, (definitely, Not a man 🙂 ) and explore what’s going on here.

Last time, I could have never made a commitment to myself, as big as sobriety, without the encouragement of Tim Soule. I will not be changing anything about that commitment right now, without a deeep conversation with him again. And of course my wonderful wife. And of course, a world-class life coach. And of course, my dozens of therapist-readers of this blog too.

I get to quit beating myself up right now. Wow, what a wonderful feeling. Thank You Jesus, for answering my prayers. I owe you my life, as long as I live. I am a sinner and I am unworthy, but in the same remarkable way as all of us are. We are acceptably unworthy, and we are what you sacrificed so much for. We are recipients, if we choose to be, of a gift unimaginable, in You.

Thank you my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I’m ready for what’s next…

Sincerely,

Aaron Nichols

If I wasn’t afraid – I would really spell out the richness and depth and intensity and burning desires… of my appetite. An appetite for change and for stuff and food and drink too. I am a hungry man lately…

Hours have been spent drooling and salivating. I look online at stuff I want. I think about places I’d rather be. My mind is locked into images of maybe-somedays and golden hued moments of brilliance gone by…

I have a deepening relaxation with thoughts of popping the top on a cold bottle of beer. And not root beer. The real stuff.

I hear a new song by those same ol’ guys from the Band of Heathens…. “I miss my life… I miss the way it was… I miss my life… just because…” Yeah, something like that. Nostalgia and longing for travel has bitten me, smitten me and left me grumpy with the real right-now moment at hand…

Funny thing though, most people have this desirous-want in their consciousness most of the time. At least I think they do. Because I do, I have, I will, and yet it’s unwelcome…

I’ve had again that cycle of issues with my car. Over the years, every six months or so, I begin to believe it will suddenly blow up on me and I must do something right now drastically to fix it. Although I usually do nothing, or next to nothing, and it continues to Troop on. And this time, as I seriously consider a big investment, or to sell it. I had to think back, at where that truck and I have been together.

The Isuzu Trooper SUV that I drive was a symbol of a new way of life for me, when I bought it in 2008. I had just sold my big 4 door, Heavy Duty GMC truck, to rid myself of the payment. I took a wad of hundreds up to the city, with the two best mechanics on the planet, Brett and Kevin, and we test drove the Troop. I bought it for 40 $100 bills.

Since then, that truck, and my life too, have been all over the place. The first of many trips was skiing in Colorado. Then it drove east, all the way to the ocean in Florida. Then a year later it drove west, and then north-west, all the way to the ocean. It snaked along the western-most edge of our country in the fog mist of the Pacific. It was amazing… It also drove up a winding path to where the oldest living tree on the planet is. Together, we were all there… That truck took my fiance up and over the Alpine Loop, in the Rocky Mountains, a month later we wed. I have been tons of awesome places with the Trooper… I get nostalgic thinking about it all…

Really though, a new adventure sounds awesome too. Maybe a Toyota, or a Jeep, or another SUV that looks like it could go on safari. That sounds awesome, and I look for them on Craigslist. I am hungry for this change, and it seems possible right now.

At work, I’m hungry too. I do graphic designs on tee shirts. I have done it almost my whole life. I create artwork and play with clipart. Fonts and colors for sports or 5K’s or church groups or whatever. I only work 3 days a week doing it now. I’ve sat in front of the screen so long though, sometimes I wanna never see another tee shirt design again. I hunger to release that responsibility. I want to never have to please a picky customer again. I want to just let loose and tell someone that I don’t give a crap if they like this font or that font or that font or this font! I want to say that it isn’t going to make any freakin’ difference once it’s printed, someone will really like it, someone won’t! That’s the way it is! I do want to give that up. I have a skill, I am efficient, but sometimes, I just want to not have to do it anymore! I hunger to let it go forever, move on to a new adventure…

I know that most people out there want a new car, and a new job and want to travel again or be younger again or have less responsibility again. I get that. There is a slight difference in the story I believe about myself…

I’ve done it.

I’ve been here before, but more intense even. I’ve had the rage boiling inside, bubbling and percolating, disallowing any thought of stability or calmness to re-develop. I’ve had a moment where it seemed the only next step was ESCAPE! And I took that step. I did.

I’ve got the new car. I quit the job. I went travelling. Just me and my dog. And then my Cousin Nick too… But anyway, I have done that. It was magnificent! It was a highlight of my life. I can still remember rumbling over a back-road border into Utah, on a path no one uses right next to the shallow banks of the Green River. I laid in my tent at night, hearing the motors braapppp-brapppping over the sand dunes on the edge of Oregon. I watched the sun set over the Pacific as I drove along, wishing for a place to stop and rest my eyes.

I remember what it is like, to make a huge leap, and leave the world behind… I miss that sometimes… In these itchy weeks of unrest that come along every few months, I ache and fidget, contemplating that beer again, maybe a glass of vino, maybe smooth expensive scotch, and a cigarette too. Yeah, I said it. A menthol cigarette crackling as it’s lit, on a black cold night under the stars. The smoke trailing up and the rough minty flavor tickling on the long inhale… These are the mini vacations I used to take. A five minute cigarette trip to another world. Letting go of everything else, but just that one fine smoke. A glass of wine with my wife. A bottle-full of possibility. A dark cherry dryness with hints of eternal love and sensuality too. Another glass ma’ dear?

All of these things are gone from the context of my recent experience now. It is a different world now. Feels bleak sometimes. Over two years sober can taste desert-ly. The only outside sources I indulge in, are fried foods, coffee and some pop. Too much internet, for sure and I am working very hard. I am out of touch with that old life, in so many ways. I am something else now. I am, is a term that I’ve proven is flexible. I’ve flexed it. I’ve stretched it, I want to stretch more, and sometimes, I want to put it back into a shape it was before.

I am suffering, from the what I choose to believe ‘should be different’, than the way it is right now… or as Byron Katie says it:

So yeah. I’m suffering intensely this week, with that hunger of an empty-something-ness. It seems like booze will fill it. It seems like travel will fill it. It seems like quitting my job/s will fill it. It seems like just saying screw it all, and leaving the world behind, will make the difference, and I could then be happy again…

But Shit.

I’ve tried all that.

Literally. I have tried all that stuff. I’ve been there and done that. I have done what most people only daydream about. I quit my life once before, and started over. Guess what, it didn’t fix everything.

Ha! Jokes on Me!

I’ve smoked and quit. I’ve drank and quit. I’ve headed out, and headed back home. I’ve been waaaay single and now deeply engaged in holy matrimony. I’ve danced with the devil in the pale moon light, and just last Sunday, I lead our whole church in key moments of a beautiful worship service. I even motioned the congregation to rise and then said ‘you may be seated’ 🙂 Life is one freakin’ crazy ride my friends…

So what about this hunger? This stress of what’s next? What about the finger tapping on my shoulder to turn back to old ways? What is the thing that will fix all this right now?!?!

I don’t know. As I type up these experiences and the emotions connected up with them, I see a detachment from ‘me’. I notice that it really doesn’t seem like ‘I’ could have been all those things, and yet I know I was there. God has created the structure of this existence. I didn’t. God has crumpled and twisted up the canvas we paint our lives upon. God can render it perfect again too. I chose so much, as I’ve expressed myself, yet I can’t explain the value of the image as a whole. I never intended any of this, to feel as it feels so much of the time. I can’t be the one who is orchestrator of it all. I can assume my responsibility as participant though.

I have made choices, some new, some old, yet the feelings return cyclically again and again. It’s such a paradox. How can one be born again, living renewed, and yet recycled and rusted all at the same time?

It’s a grand mystery.

When you find out the answer. Let me know. I wanna know. I do care to know. I think about someday knowing, yet knowing that I have experienced reaching destinations and finding myself again at square one.  An enticing exhilaration of possibility and hopeless eternal starvation simultaneously…

Insanity? Maybe I am that…

And maybe, just maybe, something was expressed here. An idea sent through me. Is it for me? Is it for you? Is it a seed planted for harvesting in the future?

I can’t know. Knowing is ethereal. This clean clear breath is what I can have right now. It is is delicious. And yeah, I’m probably too afraid to write all that out tonight, I’ll just go back to sleep where this dream seems to fit, to fight, to flourish in pure expansive freedom…

Thanks be to God Almighty, Redeemer and Father: Abba… Daddy…

Sincerly,

Aaron Nichols

My coffee pot is defective, but I use it anyway. It’s a cheapo, five cupper that the lid always pops up on, and seems like each pot is it’s last. It does keep brewing though, on and on…

So, what is defective about it? Well the little size pot, that holds just 5 under-size cups and it’s little dinky lip, is too small. Yeah, they made the spout too small! It really must be a design flaw. The pot don’t work right!

When the jug is full, trying to pour your morning cup-a-joe is real frustrating. It spills! It splashes. It goes everywhere but in the mug. It’s a pain. A full pot, plus morning time grogginess can equal a mess…

Unless I pour it just right. This little pot of mine defies the laws of physics it seems. Really the trick with it, is to hold it out over the cup and just think about tipping it forward. The tiniest slight hint of tilt is all it needs, barely under level will do… then, stop. Don’t tip no more. Just hold it there. Just relax and try not to twitch. If you do, hot java will be everywhere quick.

Big deal, just spill some, or pour some, and get on with your day, right! This analogy is a trite waste of your precious time, right! Maybe, it is. Maybe it isn’t.

I have other things in my life, that seem defective. They seem to make a mess, every time I interact with them. I have specific, important relationships and tasks, commitments and practices that seem to spill all over everything and require cleanup often. Like they just weren’t designed right.

Yeah, all the time I am dealing with something that I think ‘should’ work one way and really causes me grief when I ‘try’ to make it happen. Like pouring my coffee from the pot, I tilt and do what makes sense, and it ends up everywhere. The lip is too small for that though. I can only make a ‘normal’ pour when the thing is half empty. When full, the volume overwhelms the spout, and I grab for the generic paper towel roll.

I know that I am being shown a lesson this week. Don’t move. Don’t try so hard. Just think about the outcome and be still. Relax. The flow is coming on it’s own. I don’t have to force it. In fact, trying too hard to ‘make’ it happen will overwhelm the natural process. I don’t need to do much of anything at all. The more I do, the more mess will be made. The less I do, the less ‘trying’ the easier it will be…

Yeah, so I am shown this lesson. I am aware. I kinda see the analogy and feel it in my spirit. Don’t push too much. Don’t pour so quick. Just barely make a motion and then hold. Just hold and be still there. Let it happen. Let it unfold on it’s own. It will. It wants to. It can’t do anything else than that, unless I overdo…

Except, that even with this awareness. I pour hard again. I push hard again. I do that thing, which I know won’t work, one more time, and flare up in reaction at the mess I’ve made… again… even knowing that my role is to just be, and let it become.

Yeah, I make messes, when I know a better way. I’m in a hurry. I want my coffee. I want my outcome. I think forcing it, will work, when it won’t. I carry a crapload of frustration and sourness at always cleaning up messes. My messes. I make ’em, I’m mad I have to clean em up…

The little coffee pot stays the same each day. It tries to tell me to slow down. To just notice that my little movement is enough. I can then stop and let things flow. Once they are going and moving along then I can increase the angle, and glug glug till it’s full.

I’m noticing that my frustrations come as I try too hard. Want too fast. Dislike the mess.

At least I have hot coffee. I have a lot of things. I am blessed in so many ways. I want to stop for a moment and hold onto that thought. I want to capture it’s steady truth and drink that up. I will be deeply revived and humbly refreshed, if I can sip and study the blessings in my overflowing cup. That is a mess that I could be happy to look at, happy to ponder.

If I ever learn to really do that, I’ll let ya know. Until I really wake up, I’ll be grumbling and crabby and blame it on the spillage spoiling my mornings…

Sincerely,

Aaron Nichols

At well over 6′ tall, super skinny, with wildly long and curly hair, you would be surprised by my intelligence and articulation of deep ideas, while I use my rich accent to flirt and joke up to, and over the line of professional acceptability…

Yeah, that’s right, Russel Brand is a refreshingly interesting man, and he and me and you all have something profound in common.

I guess it isn’t looks, or accent or use of pornographic language in public. (I hope!)

This week I saw a video interview posted online. His talk was about politics and the interview got heated several times. The tension was high and he and Mr. Paxman both stuck to their guns. The questions and content were on politics. I don’t claim to agree with everything Mr. Brand said about politics, but see his enthusiasm, see his passion and energy and articulation of compassion; I was moved by it.

So what’s the point? Can we get to it already?? Fine.

Russel is asked at one point, ‘What are you here for?’

His answer is “I’m here to draw attention to a few ideas.”

Wow.

Yeah, that simple little line washed through me as a profound truth. Is it the whole meaning of life itself? Probably not. But, is it a better version, than ‘I’m here to go to school, get a good job, buy a nice house, fill it with junk, have a few kids, then someday retire?’

I think it is. I also think we’re all doing ‘his’ version of life right now. We are all here, drawing attention to ideas. We are a focus point of consciousness and the direction we’re shining our light is illuminating something, a few somethings, ideas.

What is it that we’re bringing awareness to? Others around can see where we’re pointing ourselves. You may think that I’m talking about our speech, our professions of our beliefs, but not that as much. I think Russel’s statement is deeper than that. It is about where the actions, the decisions the everyday-ness of our lives is pointed. The whole of ourselves is drawing attention to a few ideas.

This blog right here is one example of a way that I do draw attention to ideas. Sure it is a place to bang out words and sentences explaining ideas. BUT, there is more truth around the whole thing. The awareness grows each Friday when the link is posted online again. There are ideas like, ‘Aaron is still blogging, I see’, or ‘This is something that he did again, I wonder why he’s doing it?’… There are lots of things that this exercise may produce as far as awareness, apart from the message itself. Maybe you think, ‘If I had a blog, I would write _______________, and it would be much better than Aaron’s weirdforgood stuff!’. And that may be very well true… If you did.

Anyway, Our actions our interactions and our reactions, are speaking out cognition about something available to us all. As I am writing, it becomes clear that you could write too. As I tell stories of my faith, or my love, or my pissed-off-ness bad attitude, you become aware of those possibilities in your world as well. We are acting as mirrors for others to see in us, what is possible in them, good, bad or otherwise.

Honestly, I like Russel Brand. I like that he’s different, and weird, and hard to put your finger on, exactly what he is about, but you know that he cares and is introspective and intelligent. I like that he has been through some junk in his life, but brings that along to prove that he’s human and wanting to expand and grow his own experience beyond the normal, previously accepted ways.

See the mirror???

Honestly, I like Aaron Nichols. I like that he’s different, and weird, and hard to put your finger on, exactly what he is about, but you know that he cares and is introspective and intelligent. I like that he has been through some junk in his life, but brings that along to prove that he’s human and wanting to expand and grow his own experience beyond the normal, previously accepted ways.

We are all here to draw attention to a few ideas. I know that some of the ideas I am shining a light on, I am proud of. I am happy to share. Some, I am not. Recently, I found that stirring, seething, anger-face attitude, boiling over again and again. Stuff pisses me off. People do to. My wife, can show me, that I shouldn’t let these things control me and she’s right. Then I let something she says, blow my top too.

So there. I am drawing attention to ideas. Some you may resonate with. Some you may shy away from. Some, I hope no one else can relate to, but I have a feeling they do. We are humans after all. And we all are drawing attention to ideas.

What are you drawing attention to? Are you like me, proud of some, not of others? Are you pleased and peaceful, knowing that the life you’re creating is something you want more attention on? Or do you need to know that the attention you’re drawing to certain ideas, may be harmful or dangerous to others, who may follow your path… now that you’ve opened the doorway to it?

I teeter and totter, wondering about my own world. Will I be able to say I’m not that guy, someday, to myself, to kids, to others??

Luckily this isn’t a snapshot frozen in time, yet. It is a moving picture, a video that unfolds, the past is gone from view, the current image is only here for fleeting seconds, before it changes again. Where am I pointing the camera, where is my directorial vision taking this thing? God is the one who’s created the whole matrix of our existence as we know it to be, and beyond that too. We are mini-directors too often though, forgetting his master role.

I forget that all the time. I think this whole thing is up to me. It’s not. But with my little power, my daily choices, I am drawing attention to a few ideas. I hope you see them all, and know the difference between the good and the bad, for yourself.

Sincerely,

Aaron Nichols