Ahh… the real relief, can sometimes come, not from getting the thing(s) we want, not from finally arriving at a new destination, and definitely not from becoming someone else than we already are… sometimes deep peace and calming relief comes from a ceasing. The suspense of the self-mutilation-solitaire-game which is both painful to win and agonizing to lose.
This relief came in the last few days to my little world. I’m thankful.
Last week, those of you who were here, remember that the crashes and pounding waves of emotional turbulence had me caught in an undertow. I was drowning in thoughts and feelings and unnerving pangs of anxiety over nothing and everything all at once… And, as is my custom, I wrote about it here. I used YOU, yes YOU, the reader, a real, live person, to dump my junk in front of. You’re welcome.
This blog in it’s entirety has become my cheap version of therapy. I vent and unload and become aware, through this process of letting my fingers move freely upon the keys. I don’t however think this therapy of blogging is actually making a real difference, or dent in my world, meaning the guts and insides of my world.
As I mentioned last week, I live moments of complete turmoil and moments of ecstatic joy almost in back-to-back blinks of an eye, and sure, I may be mental. Also, there are periods that seem to just be the junk, over and over and over and over and over and over again. The crap I unloaded last week, was so heavy and weighty on my mind, that I even had trouble sleeping and a constantly unsettled attitude as this week began.
Then early one morning, say 4:00ish, I lay in bed, near tears, just stuck in the grime and gunk and hopelessness of a depressional black hole, and I did reach out to Jesus. I did some real praying. The kind that we probably all do, when we really feel lost. I wanted to be saved from it. I wanted to be bailed out. I wanted to not have my mind be my enemy with it’s painful and injurious attacks. It is the kind of prayer that I’m almost ashamed to admit, because it’s so cliche. “Jesus save me please! I’m not worthy, I know it, but please help me if you can! Life sucks right now, I want to lean on you, because I don’t know what else to do!”
Also, the full moon began to pass.
Also, I finally got some sleep.
Also, I maybe cried myself out of gas, finally slowing down and stopping to let things calm down.
I don’t KNOW exactly what happened, but peace did come.
It’s here for now, thank Jesus 🙂
Peaceful physical relaxation, and a message too. The message I got was this: “I’m tired of beating myself up. I’m noticing that my pain comes from my own hand. I can stop this torture anytime. I just did.”
The pain and the grief and the mental gymnastics, did have a grip on me, as stated last week, and now through some divine intervention the grip is less strong. I can see clearer and with so much less judgement. I don’t now feel as if I’m holding the crosshairs of a rifle scope at myself. Watching my own every move to see where I’m wrong and inadequate and ‘not enough’, just itching to pull the trigger…
I am feeling some forgiveness, I guess.
Forgiveness; dang… there is an elixir that I could use a big mug of. I need it for me, I need to express it to the world. I give myself permission to slowly wade into an expression of forgiveness as my life continues naturally forward, but no pressure. The pressure on myself was part of that whole problem.
I don’t want to beat myself up anymore. I don’t want to be my own bully. I can release, I know because I feel it now, even if it’s just for this quick moment and 1:11 a.m. early Friday morning, November 22, 2013.
The results of this peace in the last couple days have been renewed vigor and energy. Refreshed confidence and openness. My voice is back. It’s stronger and clearer in my own mind and in the ‘real’ world at large. My thoughts have turned to new possibilities where possibility hasn’t existed for months and even years.
I feel an urge to connect with people and laugh and have fun again. I want to play. Play in new ways and in old ways. I am being very honest here, that ideas of an old kind of fun, have re-sprouted and are growing. It’s such a new perspective. I won’t hide the fact that it includes alcohol and even maybe a party or two. I can see a life now that can re-emerge from the personal cave I locked myself in for these last several years. I want to be back. I want to drop the anger and resentments and pick up fresh again.
Is the devil the one, here at work in my life? Can the enemy be the one who has relaxed me this deeply? Can the liar and the thief be winning this spiritual battle? Do I dare explore even these new thoughts of old things, where lucifer could be hiding and ready to pounce, embracing me tightly at the first tiny quiver of action? I don’t know.
I do know that when I first took a serious look at sobriety, I had a deep calm about it. I was relaxed into this idea that ‘God can only use me if I’m sober.’ I was at a lost and barren crossroads in my world that I had driven myself into. And in the middle of that dark place, light shone upon the idea of sobriety as way toward the place I would rather be.
Now I’m feeling deep calm again. I am so thankful for it. I do want to enjoy the moment of rest within it. Just like the last time it came, I was getting a message. This message is about return, about restoration, about reclaiming myself and letting go of a bunch of resentments. Forgiveness. Absolution. And taking what I’ve learned, out to the world in a new way, and an old way. A way that can translate to everyone, regular people like me, and like you. Regular-ness being wonderfully acceptable in it’s own right.
So, last time I was presented with a deep message, I took it to a man I trust to get a second opinion about. Once again, it’s time to talk to my Pastor. It’s time to talk to my Coach too, (definitely, Not a man 🙂 ) and explore what’s going on here.
Last time, I could have never made a commitment to myself, as big as sobriety, without the encouragement of Tim Soule. I will not be changing anything about that commitment right now, without a deeep conversation with him again. And of course my wonderful wife. And of course, a world-class life coach. And of course, my dozens of therapist-readers of this blog too.
I get to quit beating myself up right now. Wow, what a wonderful feeling. Thank You Jesus, for answering my prayers. I owe you my life, as long as I live. I am a sinner and I am unworthy, but in the same remarkable way as all of us are. We are acceptably unworthy, and we are what you sacrificed so much for. We are recipients, if we choose to be, of a gift unimaginable, in You.
Thank you my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I’m ready for what’s next…