Once Upon A Mid Night Mind Clear

Holding this moment of silence, just feeling the brushed and shallow breath grow a little deeper each time, the dark stillness of night is pure. Some say that this super mid night hour is a great time to awaken. The earliest of morning is a moment that the world slumbers and God will converse through the depth of the blackness.

It’s 3:11 am. And I do need to head soon to bed.

The compounding and contorting kaleidoscope of the day has slowed down. A click clock tock competes only with the hum-rush of our heater, struggling keep the winter outside. Both are loud tonight.

Across the room is painting on the wall. I found it a couple weeks ago. It was tucked into a big cardboard box. There were several boxes that Mom had saved. Stuff from my childhood. Memories among the stuff.

The painting is signed by me. I crafted it, and it’s pretty terrible. The landscape scene is of a bridge, over a river. The vegitation is confused. Some tufted tree thingies live along the water. A huge tree limb angles across the sky. I attempted reflections in the stream, but they don’t match up with anything, really. The colors are muddled. A pale yellow and light blue sky somehow lend a vibrance to the water. It’s surface is quite vibrant.

I don’t remember each moment of painting this thing. I do however think I was attempting to channel Bob Ross. But Bob, I aint’.

Anyway, I have hung this painting up in our house. Near our ‘office’ area, I can see it every day. I’ve been wondering about it lately. It seems to grab my attention often. I notice it, I’m aware of it’s faults. I laugh when I realize how poorly it was designed and executed.

I’m sure I painted it for a class. I wonder what the grade would have been?

Hmmm.

I do know this though, as bad as the painting looks to me today, I am proud of it. I think it is quite remarkable that maybe twenty years after I put that acrylic onto the canvas, I pulled it out of a box and hung it on the wall in my home. It somehow stuck around.

More than that though, I am proud because I made it. I chose the parts, I used my two hands and my two eyes to set each brushstroke on the media. It is caked on and too thick of application. This is the work of a beginner. I don’t remember painting much at all when I was young. This is almost a first-timer effort.

I did not choose to stick with this type of artwork. I didn’t pursue the mastery of it. I’m not sure I ever painted again, after this image.

But I did make this one. I did try and put effort into it. I see the results of my work, and I am not wanting to compare it to a Michelangelo, but compared to me, it is just great; as is. I tried, and I made something. I was given the materials and I produced a result.

I could learn to love my life, in the same weird way, of loving this ugly painting. I could give myself a break. Realize that I have tried and have given my efforts toward creating something on the canvas of this world. Someday, at the end of it all, I can sign my name to it. I was the artist who brushed on the strokes of my own composition.

I don’t have to constantly compare it to the old world masters. I could look at my own life, as a stand-alone work of art. My art. I could try that sometime. Ugly is a term that carries negativity. It speaks of disproportion and disfigurement. Sometimes I look at my life with that same distaste for my own creation.

I could though, instead, decide to see something I made. I created it with the tools and the experience that I had to work with. I crafted it with love and with care. I wanted to make it pretty. I added in the things I wanted to be there. I left out the things I considered unnecessary.

I could decide that my painting the best thing I ever painted. I could see that I made the best life I could make; as is.

Hmmm….

I was thinking all week about problems. I saw them almost everywhere. My brain hurt, considering the options, juggling possible outcomes. I sunk into black negativity, when the sheer size and breadth and depth of them loomed overhead.

In one brief second, after days of mental exhaustion. I saw that maybe, ‘seeing the problems’… was the problem.

I could have seen just stuff. Just neutral-ness and perfection in the chaos. I could have seen this calm moment at the center of it all. With God’s true heart inviting me always to abide in Him.

My painting, is just that. It’s mine. It full of problems, yes, but all of it, is a creation that I know, no one else could have made. It’s uniquely me. Another will never duplicate it.

Until next week. I invite you into the middle of the calm of the night. All things in this tiny flash of a moment slow down. They all become perfectly ugly. The beautiful transfigured life. In a couple more hours the day will awaken. The motion returns. Another cycle can throw us around. Not for right now though. Not in this one deeply calmly breathed epoch of a split second.

Hello Life, I Love You 🙂

Sincerely,

Aaron Nichols

(3:52 am)

I believe I’ll peer into the weirdness…

As a grade school philosopher, I clearly remember a crowning moment of achievement. One day I came up with a question, a sentence, that twisted my tiny mind. I was stumped without an answer to it, and yet, I had ‘created’ it. Just like making up a joke, or crafting an adventurous story, my childhood imagination, marveled at my wordplay invention…

“What does ‘mean’ mean, if ‘mean’, means ‘mean’?

umm… well… I still don’t know, or much care to answer this silly question tonight.

I do think though, that I want to tell you all, every reader here, that I always felt ‘weird’ about using my mind to think up these little questions. I did a lot of pondering as a kid. I wondered about the how’s and the why’s of life, and the world around us, as long as I can remember.

When hanging out with friends, or in a class, I would sometimes mention some of my deeper questions. Maybe I would express a mystery that befuddled me. I seem to remember that others were quick to dismiss it or laugh or maybe just let a blank stare lead to silence. Even to this day, I can only recall a few people who I could really conversate with, who were willing to discuss my rudimentary questions and views on science, the arts, the nature of reality, or spirituality.

I do know that this little blog is place where I feel free-er and free-er to write out my quirky inner conversations. Instead of just having this discussion between my own ears, one big reason I wanted to talk to other people about these deep issues, is that I wondered about how other people observe and understand this curiosity called ‘Life.’

What do you believe? What leads you to believe what you do? What do you notice and understand and expect out of best and worst moments of your known existence?  Did you get your beliefs from somewhere else? From a person, an experience or just from a gut-level certainty that you were born with? Do your deepest beliefs change? Have you watched them transform over as your life unfolds? Do you think that core truth has always been the same, but shows itself in different ways?

….

Okay, now I am beginning to lead things on, and shape some answers…

Back to my youth. Back to being embarrassed about wanting to care and become concerned with philosophy, with meaning and cause and effect. I felt that I was the only person in the whole world maybe who wondered about this stuff. Untrue, but still a very vivid insecurity.

Us human beings do lots of talking. We do it all the time. We get together, one mouth starts and then the other responds. Words, ideas, emotions and information is all shared between us with our language. We are constantly giving, receiving and processing the words from others…

I wonder tonight, if there is possibly more than one real question? I wonder if every word uttered relates to just a single core inquiry? I could just quit blogging right now, if I could properly ask the question and receive the fullness of your answer. If I could even put my own articulate and concise thesis together, to share with you, I could save you from ever having to read another of these silly online bloggy posties.

‘What do you really believe?’

and to answer with my own

‘Here’s what I really believe.’

Simple, right?

Nah.

Not only, does every one of my conversations, have this question at it’s core, It also breeds actions. All of my actions, are a result of my deepest committed beliefs, and yours are that way too. All of my observations and yes, judgments, of actions I see, bounce against this question as well. We know, our own deepest beliefs, by the steps we take each day. The place where I find my feet, tells me the truth of my heart.

Ha!

Well, I must believe in beliefs.

What if they are illusion as well? What if there is no you, or there is no me. What if the ‘I’ that is referred to, doesn’t even exist? God, the creator, has planted mysteries and puzzles among the intricate simplicity of the grand design.

I am only glad today, that I can type these words in the blackness of night, and not still feel the same shame, I once did…

It’s good be weird…

I hope you feel empowered to share your weirdness, and yes your beliefs, with someone today 🙂

Sincerely,

Aaron Nichols

Just that one dang thang

It’s easy actually, to quit writing a blog like this. Every Friday I post it. Been going on four years now, I guess. But it is easy to just drop it.

At least this morning it was.

At 12:55 a.m. on Saturday, the 14th of February, I am finally getting around to putting some words up on this screen. I did have intentions to complete a post earlier, but something else happened.

I freely and happily left that task undone. I didn’t follow through. I almost began, at one point, but then, nah, switched gears.

There is a really simple reason for this. I had a focus. I had decided what my number one priority was. I knew, without any doubt, that preparing our restaurant for our big Valentines’ weekend was THE thing that I really needed to do most. So this morning, that is what I did, it is all I did, instead of my normal routine of writing a blog post.

Ahhh…. the relief of that ‘knowing’ was delicious. Just for once, having the ONE thing in my mind, on my radar and in the crosshairs of my scope of conciousness, was such a tasty change. Usually, I do NOT have just ONE thing on my mind. In fact, it almost never, ever happens that way. Lately even, the reserve spot on top of my ToDo list is empty. Really, it is. I spend many days, going through some motions, but without any solid idea of what I am aiming at.

I halfheartedly complete some tasks and do the minimum required actions to inchworm my way along, till the next night’s rest finally drapes over me. I do hope that this part of my world changes, when a new life enters our little family. I expect, I won’t have a shortage of new tasks and jobs that need my energy and attention.

This weekend though, at our restaurant, has ignited that inner fire again. I have made lots and lots and lots of plans for it, over the last several weeks. Together, Chad and I have talked and talked and talked about ways we can serve our customers best. I have bought new equipment to make the flow in the kitchen, just right. I have put together advertisements and made up special recipes too. All these things are extras and stuff that I don’t really Have to do, I just want to. It excites me to spend some energy and make this the best Valentine’s weekend that I have been a part of. I hope it is 🙂

Either way though, the journey and the hard work, is where my delight has come, in this process. The end result could just be a cherry on top. These are the types of words you hear from people who are describing a great career in sports or business successes.

RARELY, and I mean RARELY, do I have this much focused enthusiasm for just one event, anymore… I used to put together parties and trips and celebrations, quite often. I used to love to do that. To host people, and to provide a great experience is thrilling to me 🙂

Tonight, I think we did a real good job. Our people worked the systems very smooothly. I reviled in it’s precision and in their abilities. Lots of compliments came from all around.

……………. Too bad, I don’t really focus my energy like this more often.

Too bad, I don’t get this excited, just by waking up each day. I probably function on some level of habitual depression and negative attitudes, pretty much most of the time. Really, this upbeat commitment to this one project weekend has been good for me. I can leave distraction by the wayside and just keep driving to the one direct and clear goal, when I have decided what that goal is…

Cheers, then. Cheers to the Choosing. Cheers to making a more full decision. When 100% of me is focused on just one thing, then there is nothing left to dilute or disperse my energy.

I hope that this new year, and this new life, coming to ours, can help me remember that it is so much easier and more fun, to know just one thing. To commit to one idea, whatever it is, saves me, from wasting time on all the piddly other possibilities.

Now, another day awaits. Another chance to play and to serve well. I hope I am ready and I hope we have prepared enough, I’m looking forward to the challenge 🙂

Sincerely,

Aaron Nichols

Restless tonight

Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
Its nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldnt that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

Even though I know
I dont want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldnt that be something

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldnt that be something

Even though I know
I dont want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

Even though I know
I dont want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldnt that be something

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldnt that be something

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldnt that be something

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldnt that be something

Keeping crazy commitments, vs. commitments driving you crazy???

While shopping a few weeks ago, I made a silly promise to a silly girl.

Little Gracie was cruising by, sitting in the cart. She probably made a funny face, or said something goofy to me. I reached out to the nearest thing I could grab, and tossed it at her. The deep blue pack of Halls cough drops landed in her basket. Lindsay and I talked with her and her Mom. We all said the normal, Hello’s and See-You-Soon type things. Then Gracie threw the bag of mentho-lyptus back at me.

She said she didn’t want them. I told her that, the next time I saw her at our restaurant, they would be waiting for her. ‘You probably will, You crazy guy!’ She said. Before leaving the store, Lindsay asked if I wanted to put the cough drops back on the rack. I said ‘Nope, I told Gracie, I would have them for her, so now I’ve got to do it.’

So fast forward, from a few weeks ago, to last night. I walked up behind Gracie and her family at our table #15, I told her that I was sorry, I was all out of animal crackers, but I did have ‘these’ for her. It was the blue pack of cough drops. She rolled her eyes and her Mom laughed. It was a fun little moment, Gracie and I are buds 🙂

I told a kid, that I was going to do something. It was simple, it was easy. Most of all, it was silly. The thing is, that I had to complete that little promise I had made. Actually, I shouldn’t be throwing around promises, unless I am willing to keep them. I call it a promise, and even though I didn’t say that word specifically, I know that little kids listen and retain and I might as well, be saying ‘promise’ anytime I commit verbally. Especially, to this little girl 🙂

Throughout this week, I have been amazed at a few moments, when people have let me down on their promises. Just yesterday, I had my jaw on the floor of my car, reading a text, in which, a new team member at our restaurant, was backing out of the three day week, she had agreed to work with us, and I had four hours notice (this was after I had offered free gas money to get her started, since the first paycheck had not arrived yet) 🙁 Just like little Gracie, I am still choosing some level of belief that when a person makes and agreement with me, then they will follow through, as best they can.

Once I got over my initial GRRRRRRR, at being let down with such short notice, I proceeded to draft messages and try to the get the shifts covered. Luckily, another kiddo, stepped up, and came in to save the day… again. Overall, everything worked out, like it always does. Yet, once again, I was questioning the limits of my sanity as I attempt to staff our restaurant.

The bigger issue, with falling short of fulfilling our commitments, isn’t even the person we are letting down. If I had chosen not to buy those cough drops, and not to put them in my car, where I could go get them, next time I saw Gracie, it would have been no big deal. If it was even mentioned at all, I’m sure her Mom or Dad, would have said something like: ‘Aaron has other things to worry about, than bringing you a bag of cough drops!’ And it would have all been fine…

Even this new team member, who is leaving me to prep and cook by myself this morning, instead of coming out to make some money and bring her assistance, is probably better off, the employee of someone else, rather than us. Overall, this is just one of many instances, that I have dealt with before, and will again, I’m sure. The restaurant still finds a way to function, or at very least dys-function, while with the people who staff it, come and go.

The bigger problem, is within ourselves, when we don’t follow through on a commitment or a promise. The real issue, is the bruise and the dent left behind, in our own being, when our words and actions do not make solid repetitive connections. I am no freaking saint when it comes to follow-through. Believe me, I am not throwing stones in my glass house here. I do want to bring some attention though, to this simplest of ideas. When our words and our actions match up, we are building integrity. That is a big thing. It stays within us, it can be seen by others too. It is intangible, but soo powerful.

Other than honesty, and strong moral soundness, the definition of integrity includes ‘undivided’ and ‘the state of being whole’.

In order to be undivided, we cannot make too many commitments. We have to say no, we have to strongly, confidently and with compassion, be able to say no. This act itself is so merciful. When we say no, and keep our commitments within our means to accomplish, we are building our integrity, bit by tiny bit. I need to say no, more often. I need to practice this and play with it. I can edit and cultivate my commitments, caging them and supporting, so they don’t grow wild and out of hand.

Years ago, I learned from Dave Ramsey, that the number one trait of the successful people he admired, was Integrity. This human characteristic is free to us all. It doesn’t matter how much or how little we have, we can always keep our promises, or refuse to make them, if we can’t keep them.

I know there are places where I need to improve and polish up my own integrity. I know that one little bag of cough drops isn’t going to redeem all my failures. That one pack of Halls though, is practice. It is a tiny reminder that even a silly little promise kept, can put a big smile on the cute face of a little girl 😛 And the best part was, that Gracie told me, they were her favorite kind of cough drops 🙂

Until next week, be blessed 🙂

Sincerely,

Aaron Nichols