Someday, I will finally decide to get to the root of what I really want. Until then, this roller coaster will thrill me sometimes and terrify me others. I’ve written here lately about the real, unfiltered and raw feelings of a life that anyone may be living out there. I have heard mixed feedback from these posts lately as well. Today, it’s just one more truth, spelled out for you, for me, here we go.
So lately, after posting a blog, I see a few comments show up online. I receive a few private messages. I hear reaction to what I’ve written. I hear someone thanking me for putting things into words, that they feel also in their own hearts. Sometimes it’s good and uplifting and encouraging. Sometimes, they too feel the junk and darkness and are just glad they’re not alone in it. Sometimes, I am scolded or ‘invited’ to see the world in another way, than what I had just spent an hour and lots of deep internal digging to write about.
Also lately, I was offered help, a hand outstretched to assist me up and out of a junky mood. I have also sought help, and partnered up in conversation with an expert, so that I may uncloud my mind and expand into freedom and possibility again.
BUT, there is a problem with all this. Yes, a big one. See the direction of the focus of all of these things is outward. It has to do with others. It has to do with opinions out there. Concerns or Answers or Considerations or Questions that lie outside of me, and held by other individuals. Coming from a place of personal internal lack, looking to find a clue out there, I am coming up short.
Everyone in my little world, who is loving and helping and engaging in this blog conversation, or in a real one, can try their heart out, and it can only go so far. I am speaking about the awareness that I must myself, land in a place of knowing, that can’t be provided from anyone or anything, out there. Until I want to really make some decisions, and let go of old fears, I will stay in uncertainty. I can dance back and forth and forth and back, as you see unfolding here in these words. I can be up one week, down the next. I will stay here in limbo, until I choose otherwise.
No one can change that but me. No one can encourage me up into a new level, or drag me down any lower, without my permission. I can look for answers everywhere and in anyone, but until I discover that I must myself make a real choice, I will feel sufferings.
As pointed out by a pro, sufferings and struggles and walls built up, can be my own personal bodyguard secret service crew. A mechanism designed to protect me and keep me aware to avoid places I really don’t want to return to, or to ever visit in the first place. A healthy regard for self, could show up, in a healthy fear of dangerous situations. Even if that fear causes discomfort, it can keep us ‘safer’.
As I reach out, as I type out, my thoughts and emotions in the moment, I see on ‘paper’ the running script in this very moment. I may want that script to have a new tone. I may want it to sound like something it did before. I may want it to take the characters to a whole new set of adventures and hijinks, opening a brand new chapter. I may want to see action rising and Act II begin right now. Or maybe resolution is in order, and we need to transition again to tie up many loose ends.
Not one of these decisions can be truly made by anyone but me. As I discuss and ponder and push and test and question, I discover I am just as lost as always. I am no closer than when I started. The destination in fact is an illusion. I am exercising my will, to expand and connect and ask someone else what they think my life could look like. I ask or type out this query of my heart. I look outward with palms up, sometimes to the sky, for solutions.
When I really decide that God has placed wisdom in my heart, I will find it. When I notice that I am okay, right now, right here, right where I am at, in my questions and my concerns and my triumphs and tragedies, I will see the glory of his creation in me. When I can come to terms with the wholeness of this existence, and let go of the belief I am missing something, or ‘not there yet’, I will find some peace for a moment. And as I type this, I see that I still find myself talking about this event to come in some far off future.
You are here with me again this week. Why, I don’t know. I am thankful however for your presence. I am thankful that you chose to stop by and read this thing that comes out of my heart. I am unsure of why it happens, and why I sit, once a week, in agony trying to think of what to write, but eventually it comes. It just is, as it is supposed to be. Or even better, it is, as I am choosing it to be, right now, one more time, as I have before, and may again. Or may not again. Unless I choose it to be.
This week, my letters are in code somewhat. I could be more specific. I could tell you who I talked to. Who’s advice I sought out. Who responded to my words. I could be quite detailed in what popped out of these important conversations. Ultimately though, the kernel of my takeaway is this. I am loved, I am thankful. I am responsible for what is. I can’t put that responsibility on someone else. They can’t decide for me, they won’t present me with a magic gift that fixes it all. I must see that I have my own gift in my heart right now. I am enough, all is well and life loves me.
God is enough, All is well in God’s Creation, God Loves me.
Happy Thanksgiving Y’all š
Sincerely,
Aaron Nichols