If I wasn’t afraid, I would say it was fun and freeing and wildly exciting to write such a deliriously weird blog post last week.
It was out there, insane-o and yes crazy. Thank God!
My steps were lighter and breaths fresher after letting out that tirade of words and emotions.
(Just in case you missed it, the link is here)
And really I have to question what I am doing with this blog here at this time. Am I attempting to offer profound, life improving tips, that you can take and use for yourself? Am I deciding that I know from experience a genre, in which I am an expert and you can learn from me? Am I just wasting my energy and breath, adding to the the digital clutter piling up all over the screenspace? I don’t know. Ain’t got a clue. But it keeps showing up THROUGH me, so I guess I’ll go again.
See last week I talked about a weird subject, demonic possession. That’s not usual conversation. I have talked about a lot of things here that most people don’t talk about. In fact, this little space is a place of exercise in stretching my personal comfort boundaries week in and week out. Last week was a bigger stretch than most.
How often do we purposely stretch ourselves? How ‘cool’ is it to, not do the thing we already know that we can, but to step outside the comfort zone? Is ‘finding out what I’m made of,’ something that you yourself pursue?
Mostly, I don’t do that. Mostly, I stay in comfort. Mostly, I shy away from opportunities to experience new things. Mostly, I want to live in the knowing that what I’m choosing, I will win at, or succeed at, or not have to change for. I want to be the me that I already know, not a new scary version. ‘Cause that would be… well… new… and… well… scary…
I’m scared when I’m allowing fear to rule. I wear it like a smothering straight-jacket that I cinch up myself. I’m locked in. I feel the support and comfort of the constraints of my fear. I know where I stand, when I can blame my immobility on this harness tying me tightly. I mostly operate with varying levels of fear, showing me the well worn path of habit. And when something slightly causes me to have to adjust my step, a small stone, a critter, a person, in my way. I come unglued. But still… constrained! It’s all held within!
Yes, this is passive aggressiveness. This is unwonderful. This is living within a boundary that I both sentimentally love for it’s familiarity, and hate for it’s self-abusiveness.
Last week, I nudged that boundary outward a bit. It was refreshing!!!
I wrote about something not that unusual in my own mind. In my little inside world, the commentary, and questions and colorful characters play around like Disney animation on meth! And no, I am not abusing substances. I can remember this kind of mindplay my life entire.
Does yours do that? Really? And if it does, would you be willing to post it online for anyone to read? Anymore, I have lost touch, with the ‘should’ do’s and ‘shouldn’t’ do’s, within this little digital journal experiment. What is the cost? I don’t know. What is the gain? No clue.
A zero sum game, this thing. I expend some energy, some time, I receive some energy, some time. God’s world is perfect in that way. Everything balances even, to the atom. Zero Sum. I learned that in biology class at Emporia State. Amazing.
So, I experience fear. There, I said it. Fear ruins my days, often. It washes away my smile, it stains the sunshine grey. Why I chose fear? Among all the possibilities? Just a habit. Just a re-occurrence that I must interrupt and re-route if I want it to change. A realignment is in order. A new and better step, I must stretch to, before I can leave the one I’m on.
In order to do that, I must see it for what it is. It’s just fear. Plain and Simple. It’s not all the stories I attach to it. It’s not anger or their fault or my past mistakes. It’s just one little nuclear bomb explosion of a thing. f e a r
“Hey little guy. I see you. I know, I’ve invited you in, but the time to move on is soon. I want my mind back…. Thanks.”
** this post sparked by an email this morning… from Steve Chandler
| Fear is the most dangerous emotion on the way to wealth because it builds up and then mutates into resentment and anger and affects all business relationships negatively.
I’ve heard employees at a small restaurant complain that they’ve had a bad day at work because for some reason they were “slammed” all afternoon.
“What do you mean by slammed?”
“People. Just slammed us. Wouldn’t stop coming. We thought we’d catch a break in the afternoon, but we didn’t.”
Notice that these workers were actually emotionally working against wealth.
Most people in business work against wealth. Just as most employees in companies work against promotion. They fear and resent their employers and therefore they do not advance. Or if they do, it’s painful and with a lot of reservations. Playing office politics all the way.
If they were able to take all that negative emotion out of their work and just work on in good, neutral spirits, they would win big.
But emotion creeps in. People taking things personally. Like children with grown up jobs.
When the great novelist Jonathan Swift said, “A wise man should have money in his head, not in his heart,” he was on to something.
Live well and prosper,