I ain’t missing You, I can lie to myself

A high-speed head-on collision 4 years ago killed me. I’m just now starting to regain consciousness…

The wreck was horrific. Parts of me were scattered everywhere. After the impact, there was the twitching and kicking of nerves and brain impulses as life drained away.

Lying broken and severed, and gone, instead of moving on to another world, it was just a new one, right here, where I already was, but worse… Around a campfire, laughing dulled. At a job, feeling pointless. Travelling the West… a drone buzzing through thousands of miles alone. New venture, help people, lose friends, dive inward, family too. That’s death.

All the while, no one noticed I was gone, not even me. I called it life, sometimes believed it. Pushing without strength. Failing when already bottomed-out. Anger, frustration, loss, and deeply pulling out my own roots, cause that was all I had left…

Oh there were moments of smiles. On a black mountain in Oregon. Loud waves and ocean, Roxy playing; California. A new nephew’s bright eyes. A kind word at Sunday School. A pretty girl with long dark hair and kisses. Typing words on the screen, an outlet, release. Yet so small, a molehill next to the mountain.

The mountain was called, it’s all gone. Everything you believed and knew, it’s gone. You see irony now in the frantic action, the pumping of legs, of lives, exasperated on this hollow futile treadmill. The irony of truths. We’ve been deceived. The ‘good life’ the ‘American Dream’ is crap. The TV is wrong. We were raised wrong. What we think we want, doesn’t bring happiness. We get there, we get it, and still we yearn, desperately. Why?

Lucky Me.

What a blessing.

Dying before death comes. Ultimate and painful release.

Being given eyes to see. Ears to hear. It is a new world. It isn’t worse or better, but it’s closer to Real. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Even when very young. I wanted what was Real. I wanted to see behind the curtain. Something tugs at me, and tells me there’s more. I may laugh or go along, or pretend to care, but something is saying inside; ‘there’s more to life than this Stuff.’ There is a larger dynamic at work here. The treadmill isn’t reality. Who built this thing? Who keeps it in motion? Is it me? What is me? What the hell am I on it for? Why here? Why now? Why at all? And why does it hurt so damn bad, to lose my Megan?

So locked in the coroner’s refrigerated tomb, in the cold and darkness, I had a chance to process. I used the little energy I had left, to soak in new information. To allow new teachings. To open up to anything that was warm and brought me life. I used the time to just show up. Nothing more. New places, hard places. Feeling an outsider to all of life, yet showing up. Being was enough. Being brought more warmth than not, but no answers, no solutions, no return back to the olden times, those good times.

Through weeks and months, now years gone by, it’s been minute by tiny minute the energy increases. The actions and relationships, the learning and growing, the exploring and adventure brings cup after cup of living water. The increase is so minute in the moment, it feels nonexistent. Yet truth is, I can look back now, I just now have energy to turn and look back and notice…

Phase 1, of life after death, has produced some amazing fruit.

I have a basketful. When I look at it, I see proof. I need to make a special place, and put this basket where I can see and enjoy. These hard-earned fruits. Damned hard-earned.

Here’s what I Can do. As I return to the living. I now step forward and Own Me.

I am a man who thirsts for God. That means I’m dry and parched and broken ground. That doesn’t mean I’m vibrant and full and healthy. I need the true Spirit, to replenish me. I’m living into that now. I have let go. I have dropped and released so much of the stuff of my former life. In this simplified version I have room. I am not busy. I take lots and lots and lots of time for me. I don’t fill every minute. I am healing through it. A clear mind, a sober mind, can develop. It amazes me now. It can reach deeper, it can focus sharper, it can live braver, than when the answers lived at the bottom of a bottle. And for me, they did.

I have a partner now. Lindsay. My refuge, my light, my storms and my breeze. A thing I would have never believed I deserved, in a million years. It isn’t about deserving her now. It’s about what amazing things can we accomplish together. What a gift. A gift of Life. Before my death, relationships didn’t have a chance. I believed a load of crap. I saw it all wrong. I didn’t have the wisdom of what a wife was designed to be. I am now blessed.

I could go on and on, about details now. About moments that I’ve lived. About a gas station stop in Northern California, where hardly anyone goes. About a loving family of Church. About stepping beyond my comfort zone time after time. About kids and smiling and sillyness. About writing and sharing. About civic and ‘official’ stuff. About meeting mentors and heroes, spending time with them, marveling, learning. About having friends around the country, who I talk to, and who coach me, and see my talent and care that I share it with the world. About private moments with clients, when walls fall down, when they open up to their own truth. When they call and show me what they’ve done, their impossible.

My basket is overflowing. There is too much to list. Death has fertilized me. I have been given a chance to grow beyond. Thank You. All it took was everything. When I think of Megan, I understand a couple things. I will never ever know why. I will always hurt and die inside when I’m missing her. It will kill me forever. So then. I have a choice, to decide life. I know there is no reason, but just that she would want that. She would want my life to be lived. She would want to see how much I could squeeze out of the rest of mine, since hers is gone. She wouldn’t want my dinky fears to stop me. Or my old circles and ruts to keep me bound. Or that self-imposed limitations block me, when they are made of vapor.

She wants me to begin Phase 2.

An astonishing epoch. A new period marked by radical changes and new developments.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

That’s what I can do now. In this life after death. Thank You Megan. You gave me that, and I am forever grateful.

Your Loving Cousin.


Aaron Nichols

Love You Girl… Always 🙂


Everytime I think of you, I always catch my breath
And I’m still standing here, and you’re miles away
And I’m wonderin’ why you left
And there’s a storm that’s raging through my frozen heart tonight

I hear your name in certain circles, and it always makes me smile
I spend my time thinkin’ about you, and it’s almost driving me wild
And there’s a heart that’s breaking down this long distance line tonight

I ain’t missing you at all since you’ve been gone away
I ain’t missing you, no matter what I might say

There’s a message in the wire, and I’m sending you this signal tonight
You don’t know how desperate I’ve become
And it looks like I’m losing this fight
In your world I have no meaning, though I’m trying hard to understand
And it’s my heart that’s breaking down this long distance line tonight

I ain’t missing you at all since you’ve been gone away
I ain’t missing you, no matter what my friends say

And there’s a message that I’m sending out, like a telegraph to your soul
And if I can’t bridge this distance, stop this heartbreak overload


I ain’t missing you, I ain’t missing you, I can lie to myself

And there’s a storm that’s raging through my frozen heart tonight


Ain’t missing you, I ain’t missing you
I ain’t missing you, I can lie to myself
Ain’t missing you, I ain’t missing you
I ain’t missing you, I ain’t missing you
I ain’t missing you, I ain’t missing you, ain’t missing you, oh no
No matter what my friends might say, I ain’t missing you…


3 thoughts on “I ain’t missing You, I can lie to myself

  1. Pingback: NO! Don’t Do It! I Dare You NOT to! | weirdforgood

  2. As powerful an articulation of Dark Night, as John of the Cross’ poem. Only it is yours, brother, your journey into suffering, truth, crucifixion and transformation. Thank for your endurance and willingness. You are only beginning to see the fruit.

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