What’s in here is fear. One vibration, a tune on repeat; has created tiny cracks. Country-sized Brain-bergs now calve and heave irreplaceable masses into the icy midnight depths. Splash!
A monstrous locomotive of a machine, billowing smoke, with 18 screeching steel wheels and pissing steam, dangerously battles between forward progress and a violent explosion of white hot coals and mangled twisted iron. It’s barely on the tracks.
Here’s your glimpse inside my mind for the last few days as I arrive in one of the financially driest seasons of my adult life.
Self-pity, or whining or riding the edge of brutal honesty? You be the judge. I’m just going to, once again, type out some part of my current top-of-mind life experience.
Is it medicine? Does that heal? I haven’t a clue, but this is one thing about myself I do know. Throughout my entire life, I have experienced whole-body/mind engulfing emotions that I am keenly aware of and can describe in minute detail. Most of the time, it’s the broken record of Me, telling Me, what’s going on in my head that engraves the multi-million pixel illustrations of those thoughts; other times, it’s like a version of x-ray vision where I pick up the vibrations of a person or situation and naturally unintentionally compute the emotional logarithms present in the room down to the thousandth of a percent.
Can anyone out there relate? Am I the only one? Many times it feels that way, and I am almost certain in my educated head, that I’ve trained people to back off when this motor’s runnin’ full throttle. No wonder it feels solitary, huh?
Well guys and gals. If you’ve read on this far, I really feel a sense of connection, I appreciate you. Maybe we’re kindred spirits?
I’m not asking for help here, (although i prolly should. In the form of coaching, honesty and truly hard-to-hear advice) Mainly, I want to express something to people who are thinking about becoming a solo-prenuer/self-employed/free-agent.
I’m also typing to my future self, who may want to remember moments like this when they, are distant abstract memories of a starving artist.
When someone embarks on a journey such as this. You know in your heart and mind, it is crazy. You also know that you are willing to risk your normal life to get one chance at figuring out the Why’s of your existence on this earth, at this time, in this place. You even plan and plot, and convince yourself of the great moments you’ll experience in your new way of life, knowing it won’t all be puppy dogs and popsicles…
And I can guarantee you that it won’t prepare you for the truth.
Here’s one real truth y’all.
Even as I hear the ever deafening volume of the impending-bomb scream-whistle; while I face the imminent explosive end of whatever grotesque architecture my “Career Life” has now become; I truly can tell you one thing.
It has been Worth It every second of the way. I haven’t a regret about the 3, 2, 1 – Blastoff into this other-worldly entrepreneurship odyssey…
And now we’ve come full circle. You see, that is where the Fear comes back in. How can a man, in his right mind, exist in this altered-state universe that accelerates his passion and burning desires into the cosmos, while his sustainability and rational financial practical-ness plummet into the sea?
Is that a Mad-Man? Am I a Mad-Man? And, would a Mad-Man fear his foundations crumbling, if he believed in a bigger purpose?
So there’s hope??
From this vantage point, I can only say that I Hope there is. I have no concrete answers. I am at the edge. A death of one thing may hopefully birth another. You see my life has now completely flipped upside down, and as soon as I feel gravity working with me again, on this side of the world, I’ll relax and allow the new environment to feel… well, right.
I am now reduced, concentrated, boiled down and carmelized into a person with only a few things I can say for sure.
- God is #1 in my life, and I feel like a starved person given real food. I’m ravenous and making a mess as I dig into this divine buffet. Junk Food? No Thanks, Not Anymore.
- I am partnered with a Woman, who was sent to Inspire and Encourage ME. This new and brutally honest, Real Me. Lindsay, I Love You, Thank You; Beautiful 🙂
- My Mind is alive, more than ever, My Body is starting to fall in line. My Spirit, now is so awake, that the other two have to strain to stay caught up.
- A Torch-Tip Flame Crackles, Pops and Sizzles in my gut, with a Desire and Passion for that “One Something” to become clear to me. My reason for being.
- The “What Do You Do” question that everyone asks upon first meeting another person? My answer, is Blah-Blah-Blah, Graphics, shift my eyes, twist my foot, Blogging, Say-something-half-heartedly, Financial Coaching... Uhh, yeah, CRAP!
- Therefore, my income stream is just like the Arkansas River at the Colorado/Kansas Border, it’s gone underground, the creek bed is dry. Little puddles bubble up here and there, but not enough to support life.
- So all my Normal-American Consumerism Opportunities mean zilch. I just don’t have a dialogue anymore that includes “stuff”.
- My prior-life personality of knocking back a few brews and sometimes too many, is a figment of the past. 1 and a half months sober. Again, this new world is upside down.
So what sense does this all make? After a year and a half of being out of the Normal World… I can’t tell you what is about to happen next.
I do know, that I have been here a handful of times, and somehow, someway, at the moment it is least expected, something wonderful arrives.
Hey Wonderful Something 🙂 I’m here, I’m expectantly taking one more step forward, as that is the only thing I know how to do. And I’ll keep stepping forward, maybe until this upside-down world, begins to feel right side up again…
Thanks for being here at Weirdforgood.com You inspire me to keep moving, Thanks.
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”