Do you remember back when I posted a blog, almost as if a demon was typing? The words were about that evil spirit’s boredom with me. I assume that my subconscious on that evening, wanted to expel some darkness. I needed to let out some frustrations and anger, probably that I had attributed to choosing sobriety a couple years ago… Well, that blog, is one that I am truly proud of.
It’s kinda insane, to write like that. It really pushed the limits of what I was willing to publish for my family and friends to read. It scared me to see it on the screen. I was scared to think, what you may have thought about it, as you read it.
That’s what made it so goooood. For me.
I have to someday, finally and fully detach into a space that allows complete expression, for this writing thing to ever produce nutritious fruits. I must get there. I cannot stay in the shallows, just prancing along the water’s edge, unwilling to fully immerse. I can of course, do that. Do it forever. I don’t think that is what I truly want though. I have to release and let go of insecurity, to become the conduit for inspired work.
‘This writing thing’ could be replaced with many different ideas however. My weekly blog is a place where I can forever stay small, keep myself contained in this tiny pond of my own pretentiousnesses. I could speak about other areas where I do this too though. My work as an ‘artist’ designing tee shirts for local kids to wear while they play baseball… This work of mine is the same way. It is art, yes, but barely. It is more of a clipart puzzle game, filled with a million fonts. That’s it. There are some people however, who may use this medium to truly express ideas. They have and will change the world, with simple ink on tee. I probably won’t though.
I can keep thinking up areas in my life where I live into caution and conservation. I probably, sickeningly, do it all over my little world. Last week, we invited Bethany Chapel Baptist Church, to worship with us, at Westminster Presbyterian. The congregation of Bethany Chapel is the Black Church in our community. They came and showed us what true expression is all about. Between their general enthusiasm, their divine musicality and the fervent, demanding and deeply spiritual sermon of their Pastor Walker, I was truly convicted. As a whole, they worshiped their hearts out. Individually they spared no gift. Wow, is all I have to say. I was in tears many times, just watching and hearing their souls singing out.
I clapped a little, and out-of-time, but I again stay in my little comfortable box. I don’t want to really let it all go.
This is a new year. Another chance to somehow start clean and make a bunch of promises to myself, most of which I won’t keep. I see that now, more as a moment to reflect, than to project. I am at least pretty good at reflecting…
Yes, to think and to dive into darkness between my ears is something I can make big resolutions about. I will certainly follow through with them. Almost without any gain or progress to show, I will run ultra-marathons in my mind in the upcoming year. Funny how the more I use my mind to run circles, the less in-shape it actually is. Allowing these dead end thoughts and re-runs to run rampant, is the couch-potato-ness of the brain.
Maybe this blog is one more place where I exercise this sloth of mind. It’s an excuse to spew my mental diarrhea, while I claim it is contributing to the comprehensiveness of the collective consciousness… Hardly. It’s another reason to sit and do nothing, instead of something great. I type this, instead of the next great novel. Not that I want to do that either.
Nope. I forsee from Jan One, a year like most my other years. I see that I am not the center of the universe, but I am the only point in which I can play with it. I pass on so many opportunities. I walk tightly the line between cookie-cutter-consumerism as religion, and begging for personal spiritual Armageddon. I want to live out some extreme sports fantasy, and yet do it, while barely moving, hanging in a hammock in my garage in Princeton, Kansas. Ha…
Yes, No matter what takes place this year, it will be like all of the other ones. It will pivot upon my ability to let go and just dance playfully with life, or my stubborn resistance and fear of failure. I can stand along the wall and watch others take center stage. I can do it again every year, forever. If I do, I hope someday to enjoy this place more. I want to at least appreciate exponentially the ‘here-ness’ of the instant I do inhabit.
I am blessed in so many ways. I suppose it could be pure lack of appreciation that allows my mind to mistake today for just living on the sidelines. I could be right in the middle of an epic moment and never know it. I think I could try harder though. I think I have more in me, than I let out. I think that something electric is awake, even if I remain prone and still.
God has put this resignation in me for some reason. Maybe 2015 will be the year I start to find out, what that reason is.
With Love, to everyone who has given their moments to befriend me on this journey, I say God Bless You. I Love You.