The lights on our Christmas tree are off at this time of night. 2:18 am and even our twinkling cheery decorations are sleeping. I should be too.
I want to wiggle up into this space and let something go. I see tiny hints of ideas flash quick and then release. My blog this week won’t come to me easy. Foreign fingers are moving before me, almost as if it’s the first time I’ve ever tried to write. Weird huh?
Whatever. I again am posting a ‘something’, a little bit to remind myself someday, where I was today. A long day at the restaurant has just ended. Finally, but without much fuss. The late crowd tonight, played nice. Chill and fun, everyone was in their little zones. I was too.
A younger couple chose good tunes in our jukebox. They weren’t the standard few. Sublime came on, and I was back in high school, and in college too. Dang I loved their music.
I got to talk and just hang out with friends, with family. Funny thing, that seems so foreign to me now too. I used to do it every single day. Now, not so often. I don’t choose to engage much, especially at the bar, while others are partying, I want no part of that.
It’s weird being sober. I don’t like it too much. Especially tonight, especially at night. The buzz would feel so good right now. I would laugh louder, I would talk more. I would make jokes and poke fun. I might actually have fun.
Who knows though, I might have more than that. I might have those things that I used to have, back in my serious partying days. I might have regrets. I might say too much. I might bring tears instead of laughter. Maybe.
I wouldn’t know then, till the morning time, how it all turned out. I might remember some of it. I might have to be told. The morning is the reason for sobriety, to me.
There is not too much I can say for the night, that makes this abstinence better than booze. Nope, at night, where I spend much of my productive time these days, the drinks seem to just want to flow.
I have to hold on though. The morning will be different. That morning and new day, comes with fresh breaths, when I awaken sober. I think back to the night before, and thank God and thank myself, for giving me one more day of resistance. That morning moment is pure sugar to the soul. I know for just a split second, that I am at inner peace with a demon I used to battle daily.
That split second doesn’t last very long. It is not sustaining through the day. I just have it for one fleeting blink of an eye. Then the chaos of normality sets in. I wade chest deep, and try to smile, but usually I am lost on my direction. Truly.
Even with God’s guiding light, I cover my eyes. I try to hide, and hold halfway onto the past, while dreading movement into my future. I wonder most days, If I have worked hard enough, and been on this drinking diet long enough, that I could be forgiven, if I want to slide back. I wonder what would really change, if I uncorked a nice red.
Only in that tiniest of an instant glint, when I wake up in the morning, do I know for sure, that I want to play sober for another day. That’s it. One microsecond. Then it’s gone.
Tonight, this is the message I wanted to tell myself. I don’t know why. I loved being at the bar, and I rarely rarely do. I almost always love our restaurant. However, living as a sober person at the bar, is hardly ever enjoyable. I smiled several times tonight. Real smiles. I wasn’t in a hurry to leave, or to call Last Call.
I need to now though. I need to send myself home. I need to find rest and look forward to tomorrows sober morning moment. I hope it comes again. I hope it keeps coming. I wouldn’t mind if it lasted longer. If it arrived and stayed awhile through my day.
I have let go of so much. I hope someday to begin to feel good about that.
My future is blindingly bright. I have the love of my life on the other side of the wall right now. She sleeps and dreams, and is a fulfillment of mine. I wonder why my inner mechanics direct my vision behind me, into the faded desaturations of dusty darkness, instead of forward, where all vibrant creative possibility lies.
My love, I am coming to you now. I want to see you in morning, first thing. When divine peace hits, I want to be with you 🙂 I am so grateful for the gift you are to me, always 🙂