When I take a deep breath and I Get REAL…

There is a YouTube show where famous people sit around and get high. It lasts for an hour. Wow. I have watched many minutes of this show lately, just in awe that it is even happening. Smoking Marijuana, on film and discussing their stories of previous experiences with weed, and whatnot.

That is something that’s going on in the world today.

So much stuff goes on.

I saw a letter written by an insurance company, where we are required by the federal government to provide certain information about our business. It seems to be about our employees and about insurance, but honestly it felt really creepy.

That is something going on in the world today.

I have my stuff, my wife’s stuff, family stuff, work stuff, church stuff, internet stuff, and sleep. Then we do it all over again.

I honestly, truthfully, don’t even have a clue, about so much stuff out there in the world.

Uninformed. Nearly uneducated. I don’t watch the news. I don’t want to. Not interested.

Sue me.

A couple interesting things have changed since I have been working at the restaurant, for awhile now. I am becoming very comfortable in micro-second flashes of attention, concentration and quick-shifting/decision-making. A busy night like tonight, seems to require my head-on-a-swivel, and an as-fast-as-safely-possible speed.

I can absorb information quickly about our front of house, and kitchen, and dynamically maneuver around within centimeters of swinging doors and squeezing past staff to get back to the walk-in. This is something relatively new in my life.

Insomnia is as well. Right now at 1:20am, Thursday morning, I am settling into my prime focus time. I have reset an internal mechanism, keeping myself fully awake until around 2:00 or so, whether I want to or not.

Mornings?? Well, I don’t want to move in the morning, anymore.

Sure, we are still shutting things down at 10:30 most nights, and Friday, I can easily be there til 2:30am, but why do I insist on keeping those hours almost every day of week?

I have given up, on getting up early. Nine O clock is not an unusual time for me to first open my eyes.

There are times in my normal routine of life, where my experience seems to have fuzzy edges and shifting vibrations of consciousness, that may be exhaustion-induced. Also however, this quick-paced stammer of concentration seems to work very well, when the bar is busy.

This is something going on in my world.

You have things going on in your world. I probably don’t know about them. The stuff that is really, truly going on inside your mind, inside your thoughts, may be known to very few. Probably only you. In a whisper of a moment you converse with yourself about something you see or feel. You judge something, or perceive beauty. You’re enticed or aggravated, you are swept up, you are let down.

Isn’t it amazing, how much is really going on out there, in here, everywhere.

I just can’t conceive it. The world in which we live is beyond my comprehension. Today, I comprehend less than I ever have before. I chose this mostly. I live in such a small bubble. It’s tiny. My home, My work, My other work, My wife and My worship, are so tightly connected, it is crazy. Crazy small. Crazy compact.

So there. I live in a tiny bubble. That is something going on in the world. I used to live larger, spread myself out more. I used to talk to more people, get around to more places. I used to do a lot of things, that I don’t do now.

My experience of this life is the opposite of still and serene and quiet. In fact, I feel as if I’m at some edge of existence. Maybe hanging on by some stretched thread. I am constantly astonished by the smallest things. I cannot believe the moments I encounter day after day. Memories awaken lifetimes ago. The grip I have on the present moment seems slippery and loose. Quick I’m lost, Quick I’m back.

And lately, a concept keeps repeating. In situations or conversations, I find a small voice telling me a secret. I hear it over and over again. When I question to the vastness of God, ‘Why am I here?.’ or ‘Why does this feel this way?’, or “Why doensn’t this look different now, than it does?’

I hear the voice saying, ‘It’s not about You.’… Meaning… It’s not about Me.

I usually am pointed inward. My black plastic handled, mirror edged magnifying glass, studying the intricacies of Me…

I find over and over again, that I am not the subject of this experiment. I got that part wrong. As a participant, I am one tiny shade of tile, creating a great mosaic. I could be just one integer in an epic equation. This tiny moment of typing on this screen today, is one harmonic note in an overture overlapping the ends of time itself.

‘Should’ I be more informed? ‘Should’ I get more rest? ‘Should’ I give up internet? ‘Should’ I get a real job?

Who knows. Who cares. I can’t imagine that our droplets of questions and answers can truly raise or lower the levels of the ocean. Being one of those droplets though, sustains it.

This is something going on in the world today. I think about existence and it’s meaning. I live confusedly about it. I wander and forget, and act juvenile. I wax and wane prophetically too. I am just like you. We are like each other. We are all from one, from one we all are. There is no, out there, or in here. It is only the breath of God, that animates it all. All animation originates in the breath of God.

And that my friends, is one way to say something today. No more, no less. It just is.

With my truest friendship and deepest love… That’s What’s Going On…


Aaron Nichols

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