All the possibility in the world is useless, if I don’t want to Do anything about it.
For a long time, I loved learning about new possibility. I found myself so intrigued and in awe of learning that the world was bigger than I thought it was. My mind loved the feeling of expansion when hearing someone shed light on universal truths, The Way, The Secret, or especially the words of Jesus, so profound and fresh to my ear.
I heard that life could be different, than I had ever thought it could be before. Amazing and adventurous, free and exciting! I loved hearing about how I could manifest or create the life I really really wanted! And that’s possibly the beginning of a great depression…
I heard about a guy, who rented an tiny office space, and only furnished it with a small desk, a chair and an old laptop. He superglued shut the internet port, and used this tiny space to force himself to write, and write he did. Pumped out a lot of popular bestsellers if I remember right. He was wildly successful and wealthy with his work. He entrenched himself into this committed space, that was as distraction free as he could make it, and thrived. I don’t do that same thing myself.
Nope, I sit here at the computer, and click around and play online, I light candles and put on some tuning fork meditation CD in my headphones. I make an usual portrait of myself in Photoshop, to use on the facebook link to this post. I purposely jump around in distraction, until the time gets too late, or until I just go to bed, having procrastinated my night away. Yup. That’s what I do.
See, there are lots of examples, and systems and tools and seminars and books and experts that I have learned from on How. The Hows are everywhere. I know lots of information about ways of being that are elevated above and beyond the ways of being that I choose to create in the right now.
But I don’t use them.
I have a gym membership. At a gym, lots of awesome transformation is available to sculpt myself and rip myself and shred myself too. It’s all there. And I pay the membership cost each month. It’s mine for the taking. Yet I don’t go. Or haven’t gone lately. Or don’t want to go right now.
I sit in the chair in front of the computer instead.
I have skills and knowledge and resources and reason even, to create all kinds of things in my world. I could do lots of things. And I don’t. And, since I give that lack of creation, a negative judgement, I am depressed at my failure. Not only that, but since I am depressed about my own failings, I seem to be highly aware and sensitive to the failings of others. I can point them out a mile away.
I learned a few years ago, that some people practice and work hard and become something they once only dreamed of. I wanted to do that too. I thought I could. And now, today, as my life is almost completely different in every way than it was, those short years ago, I wonder if I have moved one inch at all?
Ha! not really.
One foul and angry man I can be. I’m a sinner still. I get on this soapbox weekly and waste my time whining about myself, instead of creating something great. For what? I don’t know, just so I can be even more exhausted on my possibly 16 hour work day tomorrow 🙂
I guess so. I can’t see it all right now. I can’t from here, exactly say where my life is going. I can’t say where this blog is going. I could, meaning I could create that outcome, and intentionally point myself, or this blog into some specific topic, or master some specific field and become THE authority on the HOW, of whatever I choose…
but chances are, I won’t.
Chances are, I will just distract myself again, and change plans or ideas, before mastering anything. I will buy the gym membership, then not go the gym.
So long ago. When my mind was smaller, less expanded with ideas of possibility, in memory, there was more happy times?? Ignorance, was bliss?? Maybe so. Maybe just normal development of every human being, and yet since I question almost every thought of the millions of them, I have a topic to question here with you today?
If I can’t go back to ignorance. If I don’t want to get up and hit the gym, or write the book, or really truly let go of fears and commit myself to a specific pursuit, then my question is this: Can I find a way to be happy, within the present circumstances of drift? Can I learn to be happy, as I feel angst and contrast and desires that come and go? Can I learn that happiness is, this version of life, that I live right now? With the warm tensions and percolating frustrations that I experience all throughout the day? Can I let myself let go, and flow again, not judging my lacks, but seeing all the wonderful blessings of life around me?
A focus shift, without going to the great effort, to remind myself often, and early in the day. A life shift, again, but all about the wonderfulness right here, instead of the excitement of something – out there. What my friends I want to say today is this: My depression and malcontent, may be happiness, I just don’t know it.
I was squirming a little, as Dr. Waldron was gripping hard and pinching my inner and outer cheek, early Monday morning. He wiggled it as he pushed a needle-full of numbing solution into a nerve on my lower jaw line. He and Kitty worked swiftly and deftly to repair a cracked molar. It was a big filling, and there was drilling to do. As I lay in the discomfort and pressure and sounds of the mechanical diamond teeth, spinning and churning and grinding away my own real tooth, I became happy. I was looking up into the light. I saw two faces staring straight into my own. They were hurting me a bit. There is no way around that. It just isn’t fun to have a filling done. BUT, I loved the moment.
How amazing it is, that we are such a loving group of beings. Someone somewhere a long time ago, learned how to drill and fill and repair a very intimate and sensitive area, in the mouth of another person. Someone realized that they could create a service, in which you helped people avoid serious pain and problems, by causing a little pain and problem ahead of time. Someone thought, I could really help you. I would like to do that. I will do that.
How nice 🙂
I appreciated the help.
So, here I sit. I feel caught between principals. I feel caught between God’s virtues and the desires of the World. I feel caught between anger and depression and small moments of rest, and laziness.
I may just be experiencing some pains, that are necessary, in order to avoid bigger pains. I may be being drilled and filled, instead of being allowed to decay and rot until the nerve is exposed. I may have an immense, divine love, being performed right now, on my life.
I can be happy about that 🙂