The sun is bright and Wade was right. That sonofagun.
So a week down, then a week up, the coaster of this roller undulates on.
If you read my last post, I sprayed and spewed a dark inky stain of depression and seething bad attitude all over this pearly white screen….
And Wade said. ‘This week will be better.’ (kinda 🙂 )
And yeah, it is.
This life is better, this week. Valleys don’t deepen forever. The next challenge comes. The downhill runs out, and we head back up the next. At least we’re looking up instead of down, even while another peak hides the clouds ahead.
I saw a picture a striking picture on facebook this week. A simple one. One of me.
This cute little guy belongs to one of those friends from many years past, that we see online only. I get what he’s thinking right in the moment of this pic.
Especially last week, Especially in the junky days, the comfort and coziness of my old ways seem to be the solution. I could go back to having drinks. I could party and play instead of going to bible study. I could relax and hang out and just chill with friends again. How nice that would be. Why don’t I let go of this struggle of sobriety, let go of the stress it causes at times. Just do, what I know I can do so well…
I, Aaron Nichols, am helping to run a bar. I am investing time and energy and exhausted in the place, where I used to play. Literally, the same place. And now, when during heated discussions, I am accused of taking the fun out of late night crowd, when I closer’down, I have to laugh at the absurdity of it all.
Yeah, just a few little drinks, I could really use one or two or three after a 16 hour day, (like today could be). And yet, for some stubborn reason, I so far, refuse to go back. To backtrack, to regress and even entertain the reality of drinking again, while it would make such perfect sense now.
My mind is rarely clear anymore. Rushing from this event to that, from this task to the next, from exhausted rest to scrambling around all day long, truly without much of a clue, whether what I’m doing is right or not. I have held on to this ‘thing’ called sobriety.
I saw the picture of the toddler, wanting to once again tuck into his infant-sized baby swing. He remembered the feeling of how nice it was. How life was so good in the gentle rocking motion, the ticking sounds, mommy giggling in his face laying on her tummy on the floor…
Why wouldn’t he want back in there. Why wouldn’t that be his first thought.
Mine is too many times. I want back in there. I want to forget all the change in the last couple years. I want to wake up, and have my old life back.
Except I don’t.
We all know that too. We know that parts of us have developed and expanded. I am a toddler still, with lots of growing left to do. But cuddling up, and trying to fit into something I have outgrown, won’t work. It’s not the answer, damn, I wish it was.
Just to knock back a couple cold beers with the guys. To enjoy a new flavor of wine with my wife, on a camping vacation. To sip a scotch while soothing my aching legs, in a hot tub, watching snowy peaks and skiers still descending on the last run of the day. To smell the salt of the ocean, camped on a beach, fire crackling and squeeze a lime into the bottle, while hearing waves crash hard, just yards away…
Funny, when I dream of good times and booze. I am taken far away, to places I want to visit, to perfect moments of nature and my love, and travel.
Not any of which is about getting drunk, every night, right here in my life as I know it today.
I used to love that too. Really. I enjoyed it. Lots. Except I didn’t. Some part of me knew, it was just a comfortable stop along way. A place to dwell, before I really started to do something different, and yes, better.
So why do I show you this picture this week. And once again tell some more about this daily struggling of sobriety? I am telling myself, more than you, so that I remember, what this moment is like. This tiny moment, when I can see clearly a context in which it doesn’t make sense to go back to old ways. Those illustrations are hard to come by sometimes.
The enemy who wants me back, shows me other visions. Luckily, so far, a power greater than me, has helped me resist. Just like the toddler, who did not grow his own body to a bigger size, through intentionality, and affirmations and hard work. He simply is living through a natural process, expanding and developing through a mysterious force that no one can truly understand. An intelligence beyond us all, knows.
And I can’t predict the future. I am living one day at a time. So how things look today, may be different in the far away. We may spiral upward, yet back around the circle again, seeing from a new point of view. I promise nothing about my future, to me, to you….
Until next week, be blessed. I am, and You are, in some state of development right now. Sometimes we feel growing pains. Sometimes we feel nothing at all. Sometimes we try to push back against it, digging in and holding our ground. We are weak though, luckily. I know I am, thank God.