I have a very rational logical mind that can do lots of computing and creating. It is balanced and compassionate and forgiving too. It sees the big picture and communicates positive momentum regardless of the exact circumstances at hand.
I do have Access to this beautiful and wonderful mind always… BUT, there are days, like today, when I just don’t use it at all.
Nope. Some days I believe every little negative idea buzzing around in my tiny crocodilian pea brain. I get stuck within small petty moments. I make mountains out of molehills. I spend long agonizing minutes physically buzzing with tension and irritability. I can snap easy and cut the conversation short with razor-blade studded words…
Question here is: Why would I want to write about this here and now? Funny thing, this junky mood/grumpiness that I chose to experience today. I had a very full and eventful schedule today. I accomplished good stuff. I trained a new employee. I fixed small problems and some big ones. I had the type of day, that months ago, I would have dreamed to have. In a way it was awesome.
So then, does my ‘feeling’ about my ‘happiness’ or ‘grumpiness’ really matter in this day? Do I see that there was still alot of good forward positive action, even through the junk? Why did my creative and aware and peaceful mind show up, when I was ready to sit down and write, wasn’t it gone? Aren’t I a bad person? Don’t I deserve to just stew in my poopy pants, since I wasn’t as nice as possible at every given moment today?
Not really. See, once the pressure of the tasks at hand was released, and I could see things from a fresher perspective, I started choosing some better thoughts. I did begin to let go of the little problems, and see the abundance and goodness all around me. I’m actually getting to live out a dream. I get to work hard, and serve people, and food too. It is a ton of fun 🙂 Even when I’m being a grump.
So. Here’s the real reason I write this post tonight.
My life is messed up. I don’t do everything right. I don’t always feel good. I purposely choose not to post small sentences every day on my facebook page, that paint the exterior view of my life into this new-style social media version of perfection.
Instead, I’ll once a week, sit down and really tell something true about myself, pretty or not. I’ll post it online, which also saves it for later, for me to read again someday. It’s a note to myself, that may track some greater arc of transformation, than I can see unfolding, in myself, day to day. Sometimes You will come and read this stuff too. I do have a hope, that by me simply saying that I spend days in a bad mood, although I really don’t have reason to, then you might relate to that. Or maybe, you can just be glad that you never ever find this cloud of irritability or even anger, and it can increase your happiness through thankfulness that you’re nothing like me.
Either way, I’m helping 🙂
Some days are like this. I can Thank God, that it’s not all of them. I can’t count all the blessings in my life right now, but the more I try to, the better I feel.
Thanks for coming again this week. You are a special person in this world to me.