A man posted a blog this week. It was his 60th birthday, and his blog was full of stories of his life and his opinions, and how he really felt about things. The blog was posted as a message to those who would miss him, because he ended his life, the same day.
I clicked on the link when I saw ‘suicide blog’ or something like that on Facebook. Hmm… tough subject for me. Lost someone very special to suicide. This man too was special, a child of God, like we all are. And he spent hours and hours and hours writing and planning and constructing this website, all about his life, as he prepared to leave it.
I usually don’t comment on pop culture stuff, or viral stories. I wish my posts to be ‘evergreen’, meaning they could be read by me, or by someone else at any point in life, and see something universal, or relatable or just ‘real’ within it, apart from the latest headlines.
Anyway, I break my own rules all the time 🙂 so what.
All I could think, while reading this man’s postmortem-posted words on his website, was Why did he wait? Why did he choose to gather up his ideas and thoughts and stories and then send them out, after he was gone. Actually, this answer may have been revealed within the texts, but I really didn’t read that far. I’d read enough to get the gist. And we already knew the end of his story, it was finished. For me, I didn’t need anymore words about death in my brain, so I clicked away…
On my wedding night, as the dancers were dancin’ and the reception was underway, I was approached by a lot of people. They said nice things, they shared smiles and congratulations. One person in particular came to give me some fatherly-type advice, it was touching and he may have cried. He wasn’t sober, and I was. He probably doesn’t remember these sentences, but he shared that one reason he was drinking, was to be able to share the ‘Real’ him. He said, I drink, and I can say these type of things, emotional things, deep things…
One man could say them, as a sayonara to this world, another when drunk. I myself have trouble really sharing, what I really think, in the real world to a person. I could be much better at that. I want to be better at that. There are conversations locked away in my mind, that I have never had. There are people with whom, I’ve left things unsaid. There is a lot, that may be better, never said. But Love, emotion, truth, and finding, creating appreciation, gratitude isn’t a wasted breath.
What about wasted words, posted here online? I looked at that website, a life remembered firsthand, and it was clouded by the man’s suicide. What about these words, I type here? It’s a death as well. Dying while still alive. It’s actually an ancient warrior’s technique for personal growth. To let the myself go, here in this place, where I find it comfortable now. To release the connection of ‘what people may think’, in some degree. To cry, with tear drops of clinking here on this keyboard. Do it while Living, not as a postcard from beyond.
I remember my first blog. It was a roadtrip blog. I took pictures and wrote captions. They were small sentences jotted below a photo. It was so uncomfortable to share to the public, myself. I felt as though people didn’t want to read my words. I thought I was taking up their time. I was so hesitant and afraid that someone would make fun of how I wrote, or what I wrote, or if I shared something that maybe was wrong, or incorrect, or embarrassing. I was worried about using proper English, and punctuation. I was timid in this space. I wanted to get in and get out, as quick as I could. I wanted to get through it.
I could give a hearty ‘Thank You’ to the ones who posted positive feedback, way back then. I needed it. Still do, but not as much as then. It was sooo critical then. I may have never continued without the encouraging words, that I could read on the screen, while sitting in my car, alone, in the mist and salty fog of northern California.
Doing it now. Sharing something now, is one thing I can do. I can learn to do it better in person too. I can continue this journey, with every breath. I can keep failing and falling back too, like I do. But I want to tell YOU, that sharing is something human. Really relating the truth of your life, is something that enriches the collective consciousness. I don’t know exactly what these blog posts will ever become. Maybe nothing. Maybe something. One thing is clear; a couple people have been moved, by something written through me here.
Funny enough, it’s rarely the point I am specifically trying to make. It’s rarely a ‘me’ thing, it’s usually a ‘them’ thing. It’s something in their mind, their experience that is ignited through reading the description of my lens of the world.
For all my worry about how I write, or what I share, or if I type the word “I” too much… It ain’t about ‘Me’. It’s about them. It’s about the ‘out there’, not the ‘in here’. For me, it has added mortar to my shaky personal confidence, in some areas to get this far, with this blog. To continue, week after week, to do something here online. To commit myself to this one thing. For you, I don’t have a clue what it’s done, but probably, I not what I think 🙂
I will be giving a presentation in a month or so. It is going to be based around this blog. I think about what I’ll say, what there is to say… My message seems to be, ‘share something real.’ Put something out there, that is a deep truth, and die to the idea that everyone has to like it. Be that little child again within you. Share a fear, a terror, a disappointment, but be bold, and share it as loud as you can. This is as loud as I have gotten so far. I may get louder as time unfolds. Be excited and giddy and silly too, in this sharing. Maybe playful and curious. Just be as real as you will let yourself be, and someone, somewhere will be glad you did it.
I have found that the posts I was most in fear of uploading, those I thought were the most polarizing and fiery, got the most response. Ones like these, a comment, or a passing thought, are quieter, but someone still reads again.
Don’t wait till you’re dead, to say the things you really think… Aaron Nichols.
Do it now. Life is where the progress can be felt, and the fruit of your work is harvested.