I love stories, la di da di da da da… Oh, how wonderful stories are! I love to see them, to read them and write them too! La luh la luh la la di da! I love hero stories and comeback stories and tragic stories and underdog stories. I love bible stories and real-life stories and little kid stories and old-people stories. I craft and sculpt stories right here each week.
Except this week, I’m reluctant to type up my story. My Bullshit Story.
(I apologize for the use of rude language this week, if that bothers you, leave now, thanks)
It all started in the late afternoon last Saturday, in the grand ballroom of the Brown Palace hotel, in Denver, Colorado. I had experienced a full magical day of teachings and wisdom, by Dr. Wayne Dyer. If you haven’t heard of him, that’s okay. Just know this: it was over 5 years ago, when I found his work on a pbs special. Back then I was stuck along a single-track path of life. I was worn out by habitual automatic responses and a broken-record lifestyle, in which I did same things over and over again, always expecting a different result. Insanity.
Dr. Dyer stood at a fork in that road and pointed to another way. A new way. A hard way, but a way that has unfolded into what could be one of my life’s greatest stories. A relationship with God. Taking my career into my own hands. Writing. Travel. Sobriety. Marriage. Coaching. Growing my mind… Yeah, Wayne was then a catalyst, and still is.
So among 499 other people in this grand ballroom, I was drinking in his words, taking notes from the flow of my consciousness, and generally elevated to a zen-space where time and feelings faded away. I was aloft out of self, just enjoying the thrill of life, of breath.
Then came the questions.
The microphone stood at the front of this ballroom. People lined up all down the wall. They stood anxiously awaiting a chance to ask their hero a question. This event was called Writing from Your Soul. It was a room full of authors, and wanna-be authors, and bloggers and journalers and wishful dreamers. The first person up at the mic, said something like this: “Wayne! Your work has transformed my life. I can never thank you enough for steering me into a whole new world of possibility. I Love You and all your books! Now… Here’s my totally unique, understandable and rock-solid story, about Why I CAN’T HAVE what I REALLY WANT, in my life… Don’t You Agree??” end quote.
Wayne would say something like, “hmm… I hear your words… and here is another version of a story that I’ve already told you all weekend long, about how anything is possible, if you trust God, and are willing to do absolutely everything in your power to achieve it. Your story can be anything you want it to be, and that leaves NOTHING out. Not even your unique, understandable, rock-solid excuses, that it seems you’re choosing to believe in…” or something like that. (I am making up these words, they are not actually Wayne’s words, but this is exactly what I heard, over and over and over again.
I was flabbergasted. Even in my zen moment of clarity, I could just see a loooong line of people cued up, waiting hours and hours, some, two afternoons in a row, to stand there, and give him their bullshit story. Wow. When I arrived at this event, I knew that I was among special people. These are not ‘normal’ everyday folks. These are Hay House people, meaning they are students of higher consciousness work. They are knowledgeable about the power of intention and of creating your life through your thoughts.
Except, they are normal people too, just like me. I sat there and judged them. I wasn’t in line myself. I wrote notes about, ‘here’s my bullshit story, and here’s my bullshit story’ every time they got up to bat. They were all capable of doing ANYTHING they wanted to do, I could see, that it was themselves choosing the roadblocks in their way, and choosing to stop in front of them. Their problems simply didn’t exist, from my perspective…
Until later on in the week. Last night to be exact… when I got my ass handed to me, through the tellings of my own bullshit story.
I mentioned in my last blog, that I was about to make a big financial commitment this week. I was. It was in my mind. I had thought lots and lots and lots about it… Thoughts don’t amount to action however. See, just like the people at the seminar, I had a goal in my head. I had a want, and a wish and a deep burning desire to move in a certain direction. When the moment came to follow through however, ‘Life’ got in the way. I had ‘Things’ come up. I ‘Realized’ the situation that I was putting my family in. I, all of a sudden, was ‘Scared Shitless and Stuck’ in the moment. I ‘Couldn’t’ step forward and complete this thing that I had verbally committed to… Damn. That. Sucks.
Except, in my own head, I couldn’t see that it was just as much a Bullshit Story, as the ones I’d seen last weekend… See, MY STORY is unique! It’s understandable, that this would be too strong an investment in My world. This is not an excuse! This is rock-solid reasoning why I CAN’T HAVE, what I REALLY REALLY WANT! SEE!!!
That judgement I made, came back and smacked me upside the face. I had to really look into my own reflection and realize that I too, had created my own story of Why Not. I created it, I believed it, and acted it out too. The gracious party on the other end of the phone line walked me through all this. She humbled me. She showed me what I was really doing to myself. Not to her, not because I reneged on our agreement. Not because she was mad or disappointed. Because she saw that it was what I really needed, and she gave it to me. The cold hard truth.
Her exact question was this: “Is it that you don’t have the money? Or that you don’t have the money for this?”
I had to be honest with her. About the thing I had agreed to complete with her. I had to tell someone I truly respect, admire and want to work with, that I must not have wanted it bad enough. That is the only answer left. I didn’t want it bad enough. Dang!
That’s not me!!! I’m not like that!!! I’m the guy who’ll do Anything!!! I’ll pay off all my debt and drive an old car, and live in a little house!! I’ll drive across the US, with no plan!! I’ll quit drinking! I’ll quit my job! I’ll completely pull out of my social circles! I’ll write my darkest life moments right here online for everyone to see! I’ll become a ‘Church-guy’ when I used be a ‘Bar Guy’!! I’ll even work and help run a BAR, and still choose not to drink! I Hate to think that I didn’t do something, that was within my own power, because I didn’t want it bad enough, Wow! That Hurts!
And then she showed me what I could do. She showed me what I can always do. I could decide and choose. I could do the thing that I wanted all those people in line at the Wayne Dyer conference to do. To choose something for themselves. Instead of believing that the outside circumstances had them backed into a corner. The circumstances weren’t the pressure, the corner didn’t exist. Our thoughts about all that stuff does. And the harder we hold on to them, the more stressed we are.
I felt between a rock and hard place with this financial commitment decision. My friend and mentor, just showed me that I was suspending myself in the gap between them. I was tired and stressed from trying to hold onto the rock with one hand, one foot, and the hard place with the others.
If I Choose. If I Decide. Then I’m free. They aren’t Rocks and Hard Places, they are ladders. If I could just commit to one or the other, and let go of one or the other. I could move. Then I could play and dance again. It was all inside of me. It was all within my control. There was nothing blocking me, but me.
For this profound message. I am thankful to her. For this profound truth, I will share my junk with you. For this, I grow, and I invite you to grow with me. We can never, ever, ever, never, see our own Bullshit stories from inside our own eyes. The lenses we wear color and cloud our world. It is just impossible, for 50 true fans of Wayne Dyers’ wisdom, to see they have all the talent and ability that he does, if they will push and persevere and risk and work as hard as he did, to promote his message. Hardly anyone ever does what he did.
We see roadblocks of age and money and background and past mistakes and fear and government problems and lack of ability. And it’s all crap.. it’s all bullshit.
Only someone outside of ourselves can see that, and show us. Only someone who’s there to serve us, to call us to our higher consciousness, to challenge us, can show us ourselves in the mirror. For some it may be God. For others, he may use a human being, a father, a cousin, a friend, a boss, a pastor, a TV guru… a Coach. The tragedy, is in listening to ourselves, and believing our own bull-hockey. How long will I wait? How long does it take to really get the message, that there is nothing in my way? I can advance confidently, as soon I make the motion. I’m done with the quote “I think, therefore I am.” It’s now, “I Choose, therefore I am.”
My friend, and coach had recommended a book awhile back. I love it. It’s called Happiness is a Choice, by Barry Neil Kaufman… After our conversation last night. I looked at the cover of that book. I remembered a time when I was a little kid. There was a book or a magazine or something in my bedroom, that had little sayings. They all started with “Happiness is:”
I saw that title again in a new way. I got it. “Happiness Is: A Choice”
It’s the choosing that relieves us. It’s the choosing that ignites us. When we let go of two adjacent possibilities and just finally, gleefully grab ahold of one of them: We’ve chosen, we can smile. We find ourselves climbing one ladder, instead of grasping and swinging between twenty. We know what to do then. Doubt is gone. We advance or retreat singularly, we are unscattered and have all our power in one place.
Thank You Melissa 🙂 I love who you are, and what you do. I want to do that too 🙂 but first, I will have to really truly absolutely decide to 🙂
here is some of what last weekend produced – Thanks Dr. Dyer 🙂 for everything