Fabulous and Terrifying Chaos, that’s ‘How I’m Doin”

What needs written today? What hasn’t been said? What are you here for? And for that matter, what am I here for? Specifically, sitting in just some jammie shorts with a cup of coffee at my too-cluttered office desk, on this rain-drenched Friday morning…

I’ll make this quick… There’s sooo much, tooo much, amazing, tragic, scary, blissful, and just plain wrong, to tell you about today. In fact, just not today, that is like every day. In fact, most all the time, the ‘stuff’ in my mind, the ‘activities’ in my life and the events taking place are just so unbelievable to me, that I usually say nothing, to almost everyone…

In my old life, I talked a LOT about what I was going to do, or thinking of doing, or seeing other people do. Now I don’t. In fact, I feel that this place, this online little spot, is the only place I really share much at all. Of course, my wife and I talk about life. Deeply and truly we do share with each other. However, in my interactions out in the world, I am seeing myself withhold, and go through the motions. For now, that’s what I’m choosing…

Inside it’s different. Inside the world is fabulous chaos most of the time. I am doing, seeing and experiencing first hand so many new things. I constantly see the unfolding of magic and gifts from God. Here’s a few: I recognize how blessed I am that ‘problems’ of career and of money, from months passed have flipped-turned 180° in our house. Lindsay has a new gig in the fall, that she’s dreamed of for a loooong time. I get to help run this restaurant, a dream too, for me. Monies for the little things, the regular stuff of life, is here now. Stacks of hundred dollar bills can be easily found when needed. Stuff has sold, we’ve saved, we’ve stayed frugal on the little stuff, money builds up over time.

Working all afternoon at Church yesterday, to get an internet cable run, is something that seems simple, but not being tied to a schedule that allows that kind of freedom, is really fun still for me. I can always choose to make myself available if I really want to now. Other things aren’t so Pollyanna. I do ride the waves of emotion that we’ve discussed together here. I don’t always stay waaay up on a high wave, they fall too. I have hard times. This sobriety is a freakin’ work in progress. Excruciating at times. Too hard some days. Why I hold the line? Why I didn’t give in to temptations lately? I can’t say. I don’t know. But the feeling of having something I want; complete freedom from alcohol, sucks sometimes.

So, the garden is in, new life is coming, a summer of tending my plants, I like that. I like the design and creativity and artistry it can be. It’s a distraction too. It’s something I use to spend energy upon that feels productive and pure, just because I decided that too. The house is a wreck, and I don’t want to clean it. That too is here in this moment. I cause the messes, then I don’t feel like cleaning them up. Someone once told me, “How we do some things, is how we do all things.”

And maybe, that is where this blog is headed today…

I am moving through life lately, causing things, creating things, inventing myself as I go along. I rarely do maintenance anymore. I really don’t put effort into the nurturing and the care-taking like I used to. Especially in relationships, in people moments. I actually experience this as a free-fall. It must be by choice, everything is. This detachment and looseness and being in the present moment, is pure love sometimes, pure terror others.

And, I don’t share that either, anywhere but here.

I share this stuff today, to connect with someone else, who may have felt the same way, and weren’t sure if they were the only one who has. All the connected-ness and rhythm and repetition of my old ways are gone now. Almost every step is brand new, sometimes good, sometimes bad. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know that little by little, I am creating it now. I get to shape it, I have the opportunity and the responsibility, it’s not the worn-in groove created by years and years of the same cycles spinning over and over and over again…

Sometimes, like out at the lake last weekend, I desperately miss those old cycles…

Sometimes, like this very morning, I’m headed off to help shape a business. I have a clear mind and determination and a fumbling forward mindset. I know I’ll fall and fail and make mistakes, and I’m good with that too. I don’t do this thing right. I can’t if I want to stretch myself into new places. Growth and new experience can only happen outside my comfort zone, outside feels both exhilarating and terrifying, simultaneously.

That’s what’s up this week. That’s what I won’t share when someone asks, ‘How’re you doing?’ And I’m gambling here, to guess that I’m not the only one, with more to say, than we actually do, most of the time.

I feel you out there. I feel that something is boiling within. I feel that you are here for that part of you, to connect with that part of me. If it weren’t true, you’d have clicked away long ago, and never made it this far, down the rabbit hole, with me.

Thanks for being the REAL YOU, somewhere, somehow. It’s important.


– Aaron Nichols

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *